Friday, February 29, 2008

It took me four days.... but i finally did it. Finally had a fling. atleast thats what i'd like to believe it was... it was nerve wracking, made me feel good about myself... and four days later, when it didnt work out, im feeling even better trashing whatever happened. Its fun, these things! the only thing is sometimes friends dont understand the sentiment behind a fling. Some think i cant take it, some think im slotting myself to just that type when i apparently deserve more, and some sensible friends think im Gorgeous. Thats the kind of opinion im looking forward to hearing! hahaha. no what i mean is, when the situation is trivial, i dont expect people to bring in psychological reasons behind it. It started out with me being verrry demanding, but the more i found out about the situation, the more i adapted myself to it, and i know i can do that.

yes, ive been deprived for quite some time now.I know i deserve "monogamy" and i can understand why friends are concerned, but beeh. Its all in good fun. I love that i can see mysefl growing up by the day, and no matter what people think as good or bad, i know what im capable of and what i want. Right now, no matter how much i complain, its soooooooo much more fun being single and not having anyone to think of. yes, thats also fun, but it restricts you to extreme emotions only, and also restricts you to feeling just two things. extremely amazing, and extremely depressed esp for people like me who depend on the opposite sex for a healthy sense of self.

i know i derserve good, and very good. so lets wait, i think the more i pass through these loosers, the more i realize i dont need to prove myself to anyone. that's just immature.

"Shruti:.....gorgeous :D
you really are

Swetha: :D

Shruti: when you came into namita ka class
the minute you entered
and waltzed in...
you stormed in
and i went

as long as i have friends who i forcibly ask to flatter me, i dont need anyone with a penis:D

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

.........and you learn from life. sometimes it happens the hard way, sometimes it leaves you with requisite tears in your eyes. but you learn, learn that this is certainly not the worst. you realise that things happen for a reason. you realise. i have. its come the hard way. And im still dealing with it, but recognition plays a very important role in my life, makes me think straight and this is certainly not the worst. actually if you look at it, its a learning experience.

Sometimes, you want to be different. sometimes, you hate the way you are, and love how different a person makes you feel. you love their presence. even if its barely started or happening. And then nature comes in, where you supercede with the feelings, and gloat high up. sometimes you want to believe something so bad that you search for proof or signs. And then that force, pulls you back. its like a reminder, because nobody stays high up, everybody comes down sometime. Some people are lucky enough to stay up there for long enough and some aren't no the basis of right and wrong. maybe, sometimes, you're just not meant to be up there, but you forcibly climb up anyway. Same force brings you down brutally, to teach you that things happen, you can force them. Then you realize that you remain down, and if you're meant to fly up, it'll happen, or it wont. but thats okay, because you've realised that everything happens for your own good. you dont stop trying for a long time. but thats okay too, you will someday. and then the same thing will happen again, but this time you'll be wiser. its called growing up.

this is realisation. this post oozes realisation. i dont give up, i dont lose heart, i remain. and let things happen to me, and continue to learn the relatively right and wrong thing to do, so i can learn from each experience. Which is why what happened didnt effect me too much. I'm okay. more focused you could say. I'm not waiting, yet i am, only to prove to someone up there that i deserve it. i do. and it will happen to me someday. and it will happen voluntarily, not forcibly. And it will be worth it.

not signing off on a postive note, or hopeful note, but on a wiser one.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

In Memory of Sneha Kapoor.

Someone once said that you either meet friends for a lifetime in school or acquaintances that you easily forget. Until one morning you here about their death, and you don’t know how to react. All the memories come running back to you, of when you were first introduced to that person, of how you felt about them, and how you were only friends with them because your best friend knew them. Closely. One of my “acquaintances” from school passed away this morning. I didn’t know how to react. You could say I’m in denial, or that I never really had any attachment to her, apart from meeting her at reunions or talking to her on MSN Messenger every now and then.

What happens when a distant relative passes away? A wave of nostalgia later, we’re fine. It’s funny how only a death can make us realize the true worth of the deceased, and the day of their death, we spend much more time thinking about them then we ever did while they were alive. Does it make a difference in our lives? The most we would do is sympathize, discuss, forget and sympathize again when the topic comes up in school reunions and family gatherings. We’d laugh at stories from their childhood or school days, shed a tear or two, but finish with it that very evening. I know it is more than ambitious to expect anybody to heavily feel their loss apart from family and close friends, but sometimes, even acquaintances feel the loss, without the tear show.

After the death, you bring out their good points, meticulously discuss their lives to anyone you can catch hold of, will run to switch on the TV if their accident is being covered by the news channel, will continuously call all the people who know details about their funeral and the family’s reactions but will not attend the funeral. Why? Because we’re scared, we’re all scared because this could have easily happened to us. We’re scared for the families dealing with the death, we’re scared for the friends who’re shattered, and we’re scared mostly for us, because it is during the funeral that we might break down, but we’re not ready for that, we haven’t come to terms with the death yet. The question is, will we ever?

It is now that I regret not getting to know the acquaintance. I wish I responded to her questions on MSN. I wish I’d get one more chance to talk to her, get to know her better. I wish I didn’t believe the silly rumors about her and formulate a baseless opinion. Apparently you learn from your mistakes, but she wont be around for me to rectify. Unfortunately, it took me her death to realize the mistake. So all those who’re reading this, go talk to that acquaintance you’ve been ignoring for a while, you never know when you’ll be greeted with a tragic phone call early in the morning… carrying the news of his/her death.

Friday, February 22, 2008

"you're complex, not confusing.. I'd love you for your naive honesty, and your open jealousy. you're extremely pretty and easy to get along with.. i'd definately date you..."

Yes, yes, im extremely self obsessed, and i fish for compliments. dont we all...? anyway, just the other day somebody told me that i matured... and its hardly been a year since i've been in a different situation. i agree i have matured, for the better.. (yes yes i know you only mature for the better.. bugger off) and i can feel it. there's no innate feeling to prove anything to anyone. sometimes there's a little desperation, but i know how to quietly deal with that.. and yes, sometimes things happen veryyyyyyy unexpectedly...

i guess there's nothing more to say.... am tired of analysing a few things, and dont want to analyse a few.
the end

Saturday, February 16, 2008

yes, i like pink.
yes, i like to sing in the shower.
i dont care if you think im too feminine.
yes, i'm a little overweight,
but i also think i have very pretty eyes,
and the best shaped legs.
i dont care if you think my opinion is a little too critical.
yes, i know im judgemental, we all are.
i take my time to get used to certain things.
yes, i'd do anything for a bar of chocolate.
yes, i gain sadistic pleasure out of demeaning a stranger.
i also love feeling superior, and obviously hate feeling inferior.
i'm fairly accepting of things, unless they start to piss me off.
i'm fairly okay with people thinking in a certain way,
untill they start promoting racism, chauvanism and regressiveness.
sometimes i hate everything,
sometimes i need to be reminded that i'm loved.
sometimes i need many people around me,
sometimes i need to be alone.
fuck you, if you think that's cliched.
i'm just trying to identity myself.
i'm me. take it or leave it.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

so who am i? seriously? is my sense of self real or is based on dominant perspective? or do i see myself as other see me? or what? I think i need to make a list of things that i think i possess. good and bad an ask the people around me if i'm right. hopefully this will leave me feeling less burdened.

i think i'm smart. primirarily. in the sense, i know that i can survive in the world on my on. yes it will be hard, because i've been pampered much by my family, but i'll get used to it. i dont think anybody can get away by cheating me. also, culturally, i think i'm quick and "intelligent". "Intelligent" to do okay in my course or to know internally that the reaosn why i'm not doing to so well is because i'm not making the effort. Smart enough to run an extra curricular society. "Intelligent" enough to manage writing 3 articles a day and feel not so burdened. smart enough to contribute to a group discussion that is not particular to science or politics, or sports.

i think i'm pretty. yes, cellulite and all. i also think i have certain things many people don't. like a very soothing voice. a good ear for music. am not tone deaf. am a good singer. i think i'm very adjusting. i can listen to people for hours and be genuinely interested in what they have to say, but i'll also want to contribute if there's a discussion. i think i can give good advices. i think i'm level headed and practical. i dont do things at impulsivly, but if its a huge thing, i think about the pros and cons and if its a small thing i try not to let it effect me.

fine, sometimes i feel like trash, but i do have a consistent healthy sense of self. i know that certain things are worth appreciation in me, and no matter what people might thinkn those things never change. i thinkim very likable and assertive. somewhere, after a point it doesnt matter to me what people think about me. i like helping other people to the best i can. it gives me a sense of satisfaction. i'm relatively moral, the principles i make for myself, most of times i dont supercede them.

okay, now the bad parts. even though i'm fairly calm, i'm very very impatient. i can get very pushy and naggy when things dont work out my way. and at times, border irritation.... and i can get very hyper about certain events of my life. and want to discuss it till eternity, till my jaws dont ache, and i still wont have a satisfactory answer. i can get SUPER moody and even question the existing concreteness in my life then. i can get snappy, cranky and OVER-CRITICAL to an extent of killing someone, at times. and i'm also a freak who accepts challenges the way nobody does. i like them in some weird obscene way. and might do anything to solve/take them up.

well, thats me. uncensored:D

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

so how hard is it for people to understand that sometimes i would like to be left alone? can i not be moody? am i the only one who's supposed to remain calm and sane throughout MY BLOODY LIFE? urrrgh. i know we're a mismatch but she's a good friend of mine. best friend.. no. and i dont know how to tell her that. and she's always gotten me all wrong. she's a really good freind of mine but sometimes she gets on my nerves. a lot of times actually.

and the only way is to0 teach her that I CAN FRIGGIN BE MOODY MYSELF. and no matter what she does she hs to learn that soemtimes being TOO CONCERNED CAN HARM OTHER RELATIONSHIPS. AHEM. I mean how hard is that to get?? how? seriosuly, i need a vacation. im sick of everyone. and with the risk of sounding like a nerd, i want ot start studying. i really do. i find my course interesting and i know i could read and read and never get tired.

okay lets make a list. atleast i'll feel less burdened after this.
  1. i need to stick to my study routine. read the texts from start and try and inculcate a stronger critical viewpoint when im reading them.
  2. i need to start acting indifferent. in the sense, being overtly hyper about certain things will get me nowhere, and im bloody stupid to even then be hyper about it.
  3. after realising that calmly dealing with certain things, and certain, ahem, hyperactive people actually turn out better, i should do that more often. and realize that this confusion is a result of my time. hence not leave any time to be free.
  4. try and not loose my temper. its at the peak i know. but there's nothing i can do but count ten.
  5. deal with juniors and zephyr in general with calmness and libeartion. but dont stop being firm and throwing authority wherever necesary.

PHEW. apart from that, sent my application to Viewspaper, hopefully this will be a good learning experience. and hopefully my story will come up tomorrow on the site. and hopefully i will want to write in the future. and write better. REMEMBER: you are an okay writer. you're a good person. you're a very good singer. you're a good student and child. you're also a looser who peps yourself.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

naggy naggy naggy!!!!!!!!! i hate how things are going and more because im making them suck, not because they naturally suck!! urgggh. it this what my life's about reallly? getting moody, pissed and being HORRIBLY low on self esteem to the point of being obsessive. ONE ruddy comlpiment and i forget everything and one look at something i dislike or the SMALLEST unpleasant thing and i start obsessing ABOUT IT. I HATE WHEN PEOPLE DONT TAKE ME SERIOUSLY. i hate feeling a little teensy bit, if you will, inferior, (p.s- not implicated by the person in question at all but imagined by yours truly) compared to certain people.

URRRRGGH. i think i need a vacation. i really think i need to be away from EVERYONE. and the only solution available for the *thing* is to find a boyfriend, or something worthwhile to grab my attention. i guess this is just pay back time for all those moments of putting too much into it. in the sense, now it no longer what it was when it started but more about over analysing because of other instances, i.e- me feeling like im too naggy. i think i've to start not caring. ive to start actually feeling indifferent. thank god i have people around me like me so its not all bad, infact its not hat bad at all, the only solution is to BE INDIFFERENT. thigns will happen the way they need too. nothing i do will change whats meant to happen anyway.