Monday, September 29, 2008

I think i'm perfect. And I love the feeling.
Its temporary, but what the hell.
I would pen down the reasons why I think so, but right now, I'm too lazy.
p.s- "good times, bad times, you know I had my share". Kill yourselves, those who don't know where that's from.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Mum and Dad,
let me go, I'm old enough. You should know when you hang on to me, I feel even more answerable to you, when I shouldn't. I need to learn how to make my own decisions and to regret or be proud of what I decided. You have got to make me see the world the way I want to, not the way you already learned to see it.

How can I convince you that I'm no longer 15 and naive? I know what I'm doing. And I want to be able to define right and wrong for myself. You should know that I will never be entirely happy about being "independant" until you don't agree and accept.

I hate making comparisons, but I have to. I need be given a choice, or else, I am going to feel like I live in prison. I understand certain rules, and I've told you that I agree with some of them, but some of your rules have no logic behind them, and following them makes me feel restricted. I love you, and I know you want the best from me, but I turned out fine till now, and I could have done so much worse, yet I haven't. I hate that look on your face, that seems like you don't approve of my growing up. I know that's not true, but I feel this way only because I've done so much that is commendable and I've gotten nothing but "good" from the both of you. I need your support, but more than that I need you to trust me. And it seems like you don't, and that kills me.

I'm 20, Mum and Dad. You've got to let me go. Trust me... I'll be fine.

Monday, September 22, 2008

I will stop it once it gets uncomfortable, I swear.
Right now, i'm just going with the flow. Right now, I'm not bothered about what can be construed out of it.
I'm not scared of answering anyone as long as I can justify it to myself, and so far I have been able to. That is not bothering me. I know I'll stop when it does.
What bothers me is I'm not too sure if things go wrong I will be able to be mature about it. Maybe this is because I'm not entirely convinced. I will be able to justify considering I don't think it is wrong to be selfish about things, and play on convenience, just that I cannot deal with the voice inside me that I know will eventually point fingers when something goes wrong.
The challenge will be to deal with it by terming it as an act on convenience. Unfortunately I have an active conscience that is against it, only I'm quietening it.
I'm contradicting myself, I know.
It's simple. I did it because I wanted to, because it made me feel good, and as long I don't let it get to me, and it doesn't I've seen, It's all cool. Moral voice can keep quiet for a change, I'm not beating myself over it.
My only issue is with being called "-" by myself. Not by anyone else, but by myself. Which is why it is necessary for me to find someone. And I'm so tired of looking. And questioning my capabilites.
I'm not going to any more. I was selfish- so what? I'm okay with that. I can't find someone worth me and hence I'm making do with other stuff- so what? I'm okay with that. And even If I won't be someday, I'll deal with it.
I'll deal with all of it. I will not question myself.

Friday, September 19, 2008

I never fail to disappoint myself. Its the same old story, I put too much on my shoulders, albeit on the basis of prior success, and i failed to live upto the expectations i created for myself. It really sucks to see yourself do well in something in private and screw up in public. And I can't even be one of those who accept that I'm a particular way.

For example, I've been classically trained for 10 years, I think one of my biggest mistakes was to stop. I've become breathless and my pitch, even though growing with time, is getting softer and softer as the octave goes higher. And I usually don't compare myself with other people, I'm not competitive at all. But I put these high standards for myself and for some reason or the other i never live upto them. I went for a solo today. Backstage my performance was excellent, and for once in my life I wasn't nervous at all, and then I go up on stage. First I forgot the lyrics, but nobody noticed, then i went breathless... THREE times, nobody noticed, which ultimately leads everyone to believe that I'm fussy, but it really sucks to know that you can practice in perfection and you can still never be sure what the fuck happens on stage.

I was apreciated, and no comparison, but i was nowhere close to some of the brilliant singers we have around. I'm not to keen on WINNING, i mean, it'd be great and everything, but I can be as happy if I sing what the song demands out of me, and only win if I deserve. And it irks me bad when I don't sing well, when I know I can do a good job about something. It sucks to be in this constant crisis, to a point where I'm losing out on my sense of identity.

I don't want to pass out, I feel like I'm not suited well for my course, I feel unattractive and pig-like, "not good enough", urgh, i would much rather be horrible than "not good enough" frankly. I hate it, HATE IT. I need something to pull me up. I know what can, and sadly that's not happening anytime soon also, considering I've given up trying. This is not pms, I'm facing a growing out of teen crisis here. Did any of you face it?

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

I had hated, have hated and always will hate being average. Hate it even more that people have expectations from me and I can't come up to them.
* fuck you, freaks, i haven't heard the damn song. I'm not WMS-ish (western music society... the images attached to it) enough, you say? Shove the idea up your ass*
I love my voice, sadly enough, only I know how good I am. For whatever reason.

It's like I'm madly in love with music, and it has just broken my heart. And in the situation of despair, I desperately hold onto it anyway, because queerly, it makes me smile, nonetheless.

Friday, September 5, 2008

First thing's first... I don't title my posts because, there's never a particular topic that I'm writing about, so its really unfair for me to pin-point the subject of a particular post. Unless I mention about 5 subjects in the title and make it bigger than the acutal post.. but why'd I do that anyway.

I've been listening to Paolo Nutini (the guy who sung the Puma song- New Shoes, for the uninitiated) and I love his voice :D In, any case, I have a thing for english singers, esp men. But apart from him, I got introduced to Eva Cassidy. OMG.
No seriously, I absolutely cannot get enough of her! Listen to this, if you're in the mood for some goosebump-ish blues music. Its fab stuff.

Anyway, getting to the real reason for this post. I've realised how I'm a very moody person, and sometimes people take it in the wrong sense. I get dangerously nasty and bitchy. And it pisses me off even more when people try to find out reasons and take offence for my moods. And most of the times, this mood boils down to combine itself with other feelings. So I end up presuming a lot of stuff that I shouldn't, technically. Like for example, I kept thinking that I was average with literature, and I absolutely HATE being an average person, or average at something per se. Especially since I have carefully made choices to compliment myself. But over this past week, I have realized that I couldnt have been more thankful that I chose to be a literature student. I can't be more thankful to my fate. I love my course, a BIT too much :D
And although I might not take it up on an MA level, these three years of literature has moulded my life in a way i cannot articulate.

Secondly, my music interest. Music is me, and I'm about music. I love it to point of insanity. And to feel that I was average at that killed me inside. Though, time and again, this week I've been doing some good stuff, and my voice is improving. I'm still very amatuer, but there's something. i might complain, considering it is a part of me being moody and cynical, but there's nothing I would want to change about this year. I absolutely love how i feel about it. I love being in literature, in the choir, I love my class, I absolutely adore my friends (some piss me off, but the fault doesn't lie in them, but me), I worship my teachers, I love working in the newspaper, I love the work enviornment, I love what I did two nights ago and I love more the fact that there was no moral dilemma i faced (for regular readers, its related to magnetron :D but it has been taken extremely maturely by the both of us..), I love the fact that I'm single and most of all, I love being in my position. I need to work on a few things, but that will happen.
I know, just do.

p.s- I know this was fairly positive, but i needed this approach. Please please give Eva Cassidy a try. Esp Preeti, and esp not V :D