Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Good hair day: Check

Attendance issues resolved: Check

New singing opportunity: Check

Awesome-sauce Boyfriend: Check :D :D (super hot also)

Stronger/Positive outlook: Check

Meeting good friend after months: Check

I'm Happy and I know it !!

*claps hand*

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

I wish there were someone like John Keating from Dead Poets Society around here to scare away the reigning under confidence that builds its fence around me. For me the movie is less about mainstream conformity and more about inspiration. About romance, and how underrated the concept of romance is. I don't mean romance as red beating hearts romance, but everything romantic. Romantic verse, and romantic art has always inspired me with it's forthright nature of drama and extravagance, and more so, made me realize how much a fool you seem when you show interest in it. I clearly remember holding back my admiration for the romantics back in college.

It's funny and a little pathetic, how I need external influences to drive the course of my confidence. I hate admitting to it mostly, but I have a fluctuating self esteem. Sue me. I need external influences to inspire me, boost my confidence, and I do spend a lot of time having those weird talk-to-yourself pep talks, but they hardly work.

It's like my mind is this whirlpool of thoughts. And I have to actively stop myself from running into the drama around the negatives. These negatives. What to do with them. I always thought I was a realist. When did I turn into a negative person? And what always plays on my mind is how I can stop being one.

Somehow, It feels like all of it is connected. I know the confidence, faith and positivity can come around if I stop THINKING so goddamn much. I should, no?

Monday, February 8, 2010

When you learn that whatever comes your way is a result of the choices you make, no matter how hard the situation, is you know you'll scrape through it. As a kid I always wondered whose side to take when the debate about karma came up. Karma. It's the only thing that keeps me grounded.

It's not the imposing type of belief, but it's something that I would advocate to most. It gives you a fair idea of your life, letting you steer clear of delusions. I often don't understand how people put off something for later and let stuff happen for themselves. Sure, somethings are best left to chart out for themselves, but I am proud of the choices I make and no matter what comes my way due to those choices, I am willing to deal with them.

There are days when I see myself trying to justify and reinforce so many things that I am not entirely convinced about. We all go through those phases where we give ourselves a hard time for whatever reason. I must stop. I must stop trying to slap on different layers just to make myself feel happy for a while.

It's like this. I work in an ABC way, and if I know it's not right for myself, I'll change. But fundamentals is what makes you, and there will always be a few people who love you for those fundamentals.

So the next time I see a 13 year old girl giving herself a hard time for various reason, ideally I would want to shake her shoulders and tell her:

Time will teach you that somethings about you are here to stay, so you need to start working on dealing with those right now. Otherwise you'll end up being a 21 year old with severe self esteem issues creating due a lack of identity fixation.

I can't say this enough. I love myself right this way. I realize I say this to myself often and it may be annoying to many, the kind of intense, extreme self esteem issues that I pass through on a daily basis. But, hey, that's me :) I come around, eventually. I am your regular, karma fearing, sensitive, junk-loving, semi-ambitious 21 year old. I guess I just didn't have the will when I was 13.

Tell your adolescent sibling/niece or nephew/child that what's important is that they don't let themselves down. What matters is that when you cry, you wipe your own tears and only you know what you're crying. I learnt to love my company :)

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Blocking out actually helps. I can't say that the absolute indifference which I seek has come. But I can see it floating around, not touching me. I need to convert it into the concrete so I can pocket it. And flaunt it.

It's about not expecting. Not expecting people to awaken to the possibility that they owe me an apology. Not expecting people to melt because I am/was hurt. Not expecting people to care about my feelings. Not expecting people to always behave the way I would love them to behave. Not expecting from people in general.

Somewhere I wish this came to me earlier. And I have immense respect for people who adopted this attitude much earlier. Guess I had to learn the hard way :)

Immense love for those who stuck it out. Who inspite of this cynical wave, instill faith in me that the world is not a bad place after all. I guess I was too late in the blocking out process. But there are some cliches I am willing to hold onto. Love and Faith. I am thankful I have more than enough of that coming my way.

I regret the moments where I would blind out to those, and focus only on the general low-ness that centered me. This pessimism will go away, soon. I promise.
A promise to those people who throw me all the love and faith in world. I love you.