Sunday, January 27, 2008

ya, i'll leave the much awaited conversation between z and y for next time... im not so much in a "romantic" mood today... stil seeking it, but not in the creative imaginary world for today. why does everybody lve jab we met so much. its such a cliched average movie, im sick of people around me saying.. "oooh, kareena's acted really well, shahid's cute... bleh."

is it okay to look upto someone you still think you arent that close too? i mean, is it weird that im getting unnecessarily possesive about certain things im not supposed to?? it lightens my life the way nobody does.. i mean the phenomenon, i think im getting addicted to it.. and i dont know if its healthy... considering it might not be the same from the other side. as much as i'd like to deny, my life's actually going very smooth.. im learning every moment of it, im absorbing in a lot of things, im growing up in the literal sense. i dont know what it is, but yet something is eating me.. something always makes me come back to life, to reality.. for the past 2 days i'd been flying high on the alternate reality thing... absolutely sure that it would happen to me someday, and fo once im feeling weird with absoltuely no sense of low self esteem, its just something else... and im yet to figure it out...

im quite happy though.. with the events of my life.. and how they're unfolding one by one. "i really think you have that sassy twang in your writing that can come out will in articles"... one compliment and i feel better. i agree though... guess its time to figure out the one hindering aspect... which i shall leave for later... :)

Sunday, January 20, 2008

day 2 of the Z/Y series..... read, drool and fantasize!

Its 10 in the morning. It had 3 days since Z met Y in the British Council library. And as most might have guessed she hadnt stopped thinking about it. Infact another friend of hers, S, had also met someone while performing their play, (she's a part of the dramatics society of the same college and one of her closest friends). Incidently they both had been waiting for the time where they'd have someone to think about atleast and not wonder why their love lives were so non-existent. The guy she had met was an oscar winner! and her excitement had rubbed off on Z. but Z couldnt decide whether she should call him now or wait for sometime before she called him, also because she hadnt bothered to give him her number and he hadnt even asked. and usually its always better to wait for the call than to make the decision and then maybe, regret it later. the phone then rings.

Z: Hello?

S: i SMSed him.. and he didnt reply. its been an hour.....
(S's cute little whiny voice, cheered me all up.)

Z: wow, S, he's an oscar winner, i still cant get over it!

S: ya, can we focus on the problem here?

Z: fa-ine. see, maybe he left his phone somewhere and is too busy, you mentioned it was you no?

S: ofcourse!

Z: what did you say in the text?

S: okay i'll read it out. tell me exactly how you' d have reacted to it.. k?
"hey... its S. how have you been? busy?"

Z: thats all?? no spice? no flirtyy-ness? S, your boring. no wonder he didnt reply!
*snigger snigger*

S: shut up, you really think so?

Z: no, i frankly think he hasnt seen the text yet, give it a day okay? im sure he'll reply.

S: hmmm.. so what's up with the guitar guy? you decided then?

*heart pounds at his name....erm, mention*
Z: i dont know. i could easily get away with a "can-you-play-for-us?" call, but then im just limiting it to... "can you play for us?".. i want it to be more than just that!

S: yea, thats true. and i know you, you'll never elongate the conversation beyond that, and if he doesnt you'll never call back, so its a make or break thing. hmmmm...

Z: that doesnt help you know.
*saddening heart*

S: get over it and call him Z. see where it leads. call him now. and put me on conference!

Z: are you serious? what if he finds out?? no way.

S: he wont. will you just do it??

*severe heart pounding. hearts about the explode.*
Z: okay. what do i say? the usual?

S: yes, but dont stretch it. you made the first move in te library as well. so if he doesnt seem interested beyond the playing bit, forget it okay?

Z: okay. *deep breath* my stomach's fluttering. what if his voice sucks??

S: will you get over the phone-voice-has-to-be-good thing? he's hot enough without the bloody voice!

Z: fine fine. im doing it ok.

S: already???

Z: I... erm, memorised the number. *embarrassed*

S: hahahaha. i should have known! F*** its ringing!

Z: *beep**beep**beep*!!!!!!


Y: hello?
*OMFG. can i describe the voice to you?? its like melting butter. only sexy. very very rugged. OMFG! OMFG! S's probably thinking the same. I think i'm in going to faint*

Z: h-Hello?

Y: yes?

Z: Hi, is that Y?

Y: Ya, who's calling?

Z: this is Z... hi!

Y: oh, Z, hi! im so.... *pause* yea, how are you?

*WTF WTF?? WTF was the "im so...??" complete it, you BA*****!!!*

Z: I'm good. how have you been?

Y: I've been great. infact i've been waiting for you to call....

*OMFG! how can you put so much on me!!! first the voice, then freakin' incomplete sentences and NOW THIS!!!*

Z: erm... heh. okay!

S: *clears throat*


Y: you know, because you said you have a competition coming up.... so i thought...

Z: ya ya, thats why i called.

Y: mm hmm?


Z: so we've finally decided on the songs. we're doing 2 songs which need the guitar.

(30 mins of discussing chords and songs and favorite music.. which was almost the same except Y thinking Coldplay as a pansy Band, after which they had a small friendly argument.)

*awkward silence*

Y: so i guess i'll see you on monday. i'll come over to your college. what time does your president get free?

Z: i am the president.... heh.

Y: oH! im sorry!

Z: no problem! hard to imagine eh?

Y: not at all. i just didnt know. being presumptous eh?

Z: huh? me? and you?

Y: me what?

Z: nothing. forget it, not like you'll ever admitt anything anyway.

Y: try me....

*F---! F---! aAaAaAaAaAaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAA*

Z: erm, eheheh. (nervous, HIGHLY NERVOUS laughter.)

Y: hahahah. (confident laughter) yes to reinforce your thoughts, or one of them, many people have told me I'm intimidating.

Z: ooooooooooooh-kay. so i guess i'll tell you when to come to college then. the competitions on thursday. so please dont be late!

Y: oh, i wont. (oozing confidence... looks like he's done this before)

Z: i'll see you then!

Y: not so fast. you mind giving me your number, S? or you want to wait for 3 days again?

*aaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAA. Now he's opened up!*
Z: sure. 9----------.

Y: okay then!

Z: yes! see you on monday.

Y: wait, what day is it today?

Z: erm, friday?

Y: thats 2 days away from monday, Z.

Z: erm, okay.

Y: *very evident nervous pause* so are you doing anything tonight?

(okay, now's the end. he's going to ask me out and i'll tell him about my curfew and he'll never cal me again.
brace yourself, Z. be confident)
Z: not really. I'll be reading i guess...

Y:you mind if i call you? im kind of doing something else now and i dont want to end the conversation here. or you have plans of talking to somebody else?

*ehehehe. he wants to know if im single eh?? wow!*

Z: sure! atleast now i'll have something to look forward to.

Y: you couldnt be more right. heh.
*confident laughter*

*heart's exploded.*
Z: erm...

Y: see you then.

Z: erm, okay. bye!

cuts the phone.

and Z's fainted.

p.s- S had already cut the phone and the best part of all this is telling her the whole thing. and analysing it! :)

Saturday, January 19, 2008

went through old mails today. no points for guessing whose i read first! haha! no seriosuly "haha". first of all, im realllllllllllllyy embarassed of the way i acted in response to him. i was such a bloody kid, in retrospect i know what he means when he said certain things and how i responded to them was totalllyy immature. and then i read this one mail where im all "i love you and i'll never be able to get over you" shit. you know, i realised that i would laugh about this somtime in my life, but i didnt realise it would come so fast. i was just telling aditi this the other day. some times you just want to go up to a 13 or 14 yr old kid whose feeling bad because the guy she likes doesnt like her back or something like that, and tell them that it'll ba okay, that if not soon, maybe 5 yrs later, but u will get over the guy, and finally move on. when you're 14, you can be reallly stubborn about the way you feel. i used to think nobody ever understood the intensity of my infactuation. i thought nobody ever went thru what i did. and i was wrong, so as many other 14-15 yr olds are even now. it is a part of growing up.

infact most of the decisions i made were very immature, i can only thank someone up there for making sure that those decisions didnt have horrific results. im reallly glad about the kind of maturity ive gained, im proud that i acknowlegde the immature decisions. and while the infactuation with M was the biggest thing of my life, i now realise it was majorly a way for growing up and less of an infactuation. ive learnt so many things. and like i've told myself a million times, the only reason it lasted for this long because i never isolated myself from it. and now even thought this isolation wasnt entirely my choice, somebody just loves me up there to make that wonderful choice for me. ive also realised that is absolutely mandatory for a teenager to go through it, because thats the only way they learn. thats how i learnt, and i didnt listen to everyone. im very glad all of it happened. each and every minute of the 6 yrs behind me in Delhi and the years before that in dubai, its amazing to feel yourself grow into such an amzing individual. frankly, yes, i have my feel good and feel bad days, but i know eventually all that dosnt matter. yes, i wish i had gotten more attention in school, but that would have only made me happy for sometimes, the miserable times would have come anyway, so not that it would make too much of a difference anyway. i wish i got more attention now, but what i really want is a man's presence. i dont want to mind games, i dont want to wait for 15 million years before i find out the real feelings. i'd like the simple conventional process, thank you very much.

and again coming to the whole, im 19 and havent seen much thing, im sure there's a lot in store of me in the future, maybe things were meant to be this way, and im acknowledging that i cant handle certain things even now, that im not mature for certain things even now, maybe thats why im being made to wait. maybe im just optimistic and not cranky, but well, i really bellieve someday i will write in this same blog thanking somebody up there that the sequence of my life was certain way and hopefully by then i will realize the reason behind it, the same way today i realised the reason behind the happenings of my adolescent. and even though there is a lot of presuure of being a certain way, whether people acknowlegde it or not, and the fact that sometimes im too hard on myself for acting a certain way is only becoz there are so many people around me who i idolise. but its only time that will make me realise the true defining charecteristic of ME. and im waiting... for the upcoming events, for the future. im waiting for my life to unfold in front of me, because now ive decoded one whole phase. and im ready to let it be and move on to the others!


Monday, January 14, 2008

The smile she wears
is of distant memories,
of tumbling futures
which, when cant keep pace
with her disenchanting thoughts
like water in a cauldron,
collapse into a fragile present.
She flips the hair, and bursts with
dialogue, and over coffee-steam
and forgotten dreams
carefully and playfully traces her path.
And yet, like a robin in spring
that first announces joy only to disappear
into the vastness and barren that is summer
changes colour of her eye as you talk.
Into the words that are poured
into her core of pure, magic resonanceas
if untainted and imploring,
you realise, she's already moved onto
more fragile presents and tumbling futures.

a friend wrote this for me. i cant tell you how i feel. i myself dont know. it seems like i cant understand what she's saying and yet it seems as if i know exactly what she means. in ways.
i dont know. was just telling saumia how we dont really need a presence of the opposite sex to make us feel better, but we dont mind it exactly do we:) now im really looking forward to it. but im also SICK. so sick and tired of the bloody mind games. i'd really appreciate somenoe straightforward now. n not now NOW. but yes, whenever. urgh i sound like some horny little creep. i dont want a boyfriend.. i dont want a relationship. i want some male attention please. can anyone hear this?
urghh. bleh. poof. poop.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

so i went on a show that discussed blogging.. and untill i went on the show.. i didnt realise... nothing damn it. what is the big deal? is my blog being read write now? are people pointing fingers at the things i say or the things i do? do i care?? sometimes i think my blogs are too self obsessive... im not the blog "that made an impact" and im not the blog behind the upcoming famous writer but i am the voice... of me. hahah.
okay fa-ine. im not in for this shit. i cant write serious when im not in a serious mood. the bottom line of the stupid debate on whether the blogs should be regulated or not.. is not. just let them/us be ya. isnt everyone entitled to their opinions, and theres not better way than to write about them in a blog, it gives you a mighty sense of assertion, i'll say.
anyway, moving on the better topics, got a fringe! yay! oh my god, im so self obsessive. ever since i went on that show, i cant seem to forget that there could people out there who're readin your blog write now. *sod off ugly uncle/ irritating child*
exams are still going on... the mains are over though. i cant wait to fucking graduate. in the sense get out of delhi. i love college and i love delhi but ive had enough of staying with parents. its time i moved out, really. so many things ive wanted to say, do, experience and im already fucking 19. so there. its time really. REALLY.
reading some interesting blogs. what im actually thinking is when im going to find somebody to bloody flirt with... its been almost a year now. my life is so sad, sooo sad. its lifeless, dull, self- obsessive, whiny and sad. i really need a life. really. i also need male attention. donot want a boyfriend now. want the process that gets you to a boyfriend. let me go over the process. please excuse the dull, boring example.. its sadly only what my imagination is capable of now, considering im very realistic and keen on it happening soon.

day 1:

Z(female) walks into a public library. wait.. public library really? okay. i'l settle with public libray. anyway, moving on. Z moves to the literature section on a serious attempt to find good sources for her assignment. also because she's sworn to herself that she'll do well this year because there are her future aspirations attached to it. so she reaches the required section and seriously for once searches for stuff on Milton, Marlowe and Behn. no shakepeare, Z's sick of him! she then hears somebody playing a song she really loves but cant remember. so usually being a very erm, not-shy-but-very-low-on-self-esteem-hence-doesnt-initiate-conversation-with-the-opposite-sex kind of person, she hesitaes for a bit. then she decides that its no big deal and decides that if he hence makes a big deal of just an innocent question, he is a jerk. she then notices that he's cute. and plays the guitar well. (tick mark 2 requirements.. tee hee) she goes up to him after he's done playing. her stomach rumbling.

Z: excuse me?

cute guitar boy: mm hmm? *looks up*
*omg! nice face*

Z: i was wondering if you'd tell me the song you were playing.. i know it but i cant seem to remember the name.
*"i was wondering"...? WTF?*

CGB: oh thats "road trippin" by RHCP. you've heard the song?

Z: oh right! yes ofcourse i've heard the song.
*you think im not capable of hearig the song?? do i care???? urgghghh*

CGB: erm, okay.

Z: mmmm.
(stands there awkwardly)

Z: so you play here everyday? erm, i mean do they pay you to play or something?
*OMG!OMFG! why'd i have to ask such a stupid question*
actually, thats none of my business!

CGB: no thats ok! yea, my uncle works here so he asked me to play here so i could earn some extra bucks.. im actually on vacation.. just finished my graduation.

Z: oh great! you know actually, im from the western music society of (college name inserted here) and we really need a guitarist.. so if you're on vacation and all, you mind playing for us sometime whenever your free and all. infact we have a competition next week and we need a guitarist.. are you free?

CGB: infact, i am. what are you doing? i mean which song?

Z: i dont know that yet, a few other people are singing solos and duets, n we dont need a guitarist for the group category. so i'll let you know. can you play then?

CGB: yea.. i think i can.. infact take my-

Z: ...listen dont worry about the remuneration. our college will provide you that.
*WTF! he was giving me his number. im so stupid!!!*

CGB: no no, thats not a problem, its a college thing im sure i'd've gotten paid... *laughs*

Z: *smiles* okayy... im embarrassed now!
*give me your phone number dammit*

CGB: not at all. its okay! i think you'll need my number to contact me though....

Z: ya! give!

CGB: 98--------

Z: okay got it. erm, your name? *giggles*

CGB: (lets say his name is Y) Y. you?

Z: im Z. nice meetng you, Y.

Y: pleasure's mine, Z. *he winks*

Z: ditto.
*OMG!OMFG! he winked!*
*stop acting like a bloody school girl!*

he walks away. so does Z. end of day 1.
keep reading for further developments!

wow, this thing lifted my spirits ya!

Saturday, January 12, 2008

put music player on shuffle.. do not skip!

how do you feel right now? beautiful- christina aguilera

what did you dream about last nite? my love- justin timberlake

what song will you have at your funeral? bohemian rhapsody- queen

what song reminds you of the person you like atm? she fucking hates me- POD( and vice versa)

what song describes your parents? with arsm wide open- creed

what song is about your love life? too much love will kill you- freddy mercury

what best describes your friends?? thats what friends are for- elton john and hakuna matata

what best describes your workmates? dard e disco.. ahaha

what song will you play at your wedding? my girl- temptations when i walk on the aisle and the way u look tonight when i dance with him ( the first christian wedding i have followed by a hugeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee gujarati wedding)

describe yout first kiss: alive- pearl jam.. tee hee!

what do you want for christmas? kiss from a rose- seal

what song describes the day you had today? 2 hearts- kylie minogue

what song describes your future?? where are you going- dave mathews for the love life and if i hade it all- dave matthews when you believe- mariah and whitney in general.

what is your favourit thing to do ? DARD E DISCO BABY!

who do you love? hooverphonic- mad about you.

what do you feel like doing right now? sexy back- justin.

what are your plans for the weekend? i want to break free- queen

what is the worst way to spend the day? wishing on a star- paul weller

what do you wish you could change? chasing cars- snow patrol

what song describes the person you last spoke to on msn? gimme more- britnaaaaay (spoke to shruti:) hahaha the lyrics as as follows: gimmeh gimmeh mooooooore gimmehn more:)

what is your secret desire? chasing cars- snow patrol and when you say you love me- josh groban.

who are you? hahahahahaha. in her eyes- josh groban. (im not an angel, im not a hero.. im just a maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan) okay fine! imagine- john lennon

what did you think about school? jailhouse rock- elvis!

where do you wish you were? brian mcknight- home

what are you hungry for? unchained melody- u2

what are you thinking about? lovestonned- justin

who is thinking about you? matchbox twenty- story of a girl

what is your favourite song ever? aint no sunshine- van morisson.

its fun to.. : dard e diso baby!!

what are you going to call this survey? sitting waiting wishing- john jackson

alalalala! im pretty and amazing! guys should be falling over me!
good day, exams going horrible.. need to study hard after this for mains!
am in love with myself today!