Tuesday, March 26, 2013

I must quit you

He walked me to the door, in his bright yellow tshirt. In front of his friends. He kissed me goodbye. I left him after 48 hours of unadulterated indulgence. One that made him "calm" and made me anxious.

Did I know that was fabricated?

"You make me excruciatingly happy"

"I'm not there yet"

"I hate it when you flirt with other guys"

"We'd destroy each other, we're identical"

"Hold me closer. You know you can."

"I don't feel the emotions. This is a bad idea."

"Choose me. Be mine."


I had butterflies 15 minutes before we were going to reach his house.


He ruffled me hair, and hugged me. When no one was looking, he slapped my ass playfully. He look painfully good these days. He's a fairly good looking boy, but off late he's oozing sex.


 I struggle with my words. I'm drunk. I want to tell him how I feel.
 "Shut the fuck up. Don't say another word."

He kissed me. There's always been electricity, but this time it was a fucking overdose. Maybe because I knew his mind.


"You can hold me tighter."

I reach for my hand around his waist and tighten up. In 15 mins, he loosens the grip and turns the other way. I can't sleep because I can't decide whether to reach out and hold him again and let it be.
It's morning.


Karma. I broke their hearts. First in 2004. And then in 2009. and then twice in 2010. Once in 2012, and finally now in 2013. Maybe this is payback?

I don't know really. This isn't a heartbreak. This is just stupid. But must it be like this? Can't one fall hook, line and sinker in love with somebody and have them reciprocate?

I'm scared. I don't want to settle for nice, just because exciting and mind-blasting is fickle and hurts me. And I can't have exciting and mind-blasting.

Perhaps I should stop.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

You're a fickle, fickle man. That's how you've turned my life around since December, stupid.

Because everything that you are, I was. The bi-polar tendencies, the fickle emotions, the hot-cold-yes-nos, the arrogance/narcissism that only really showed bits of one's insecurites - all of it.

I was the centre of whoever's world. They would have to tip-toe around me, because I wouldn't know when my mind would change. Deep down, somewhere, I've always been this pleasant, nice person. But I had to walk over many people to reach here.

With you, I'm just naturally adult. I'm easy, understanding and just too nice. It scares the fucking daylights out of me - I wonder if you'll find it all too easy to take for granted. I wonder if I'll bore you soon enough, because I don't make you run on your toes.

But this is me. I don't care if people are late, and I never give them grief for making me wait. If someone breaks my camera, I don't freak out. I don't get cranky. I immediately switch to pacifying the hyperventilating person who broke my camera. I understand, I always do.

Sure, I can be a brat. I want everything to go my way - but here's the scary part. You make me swallow that. Maybe there's room for only one brat between the two of us. Right now, I don't mind letting you be one.

You've turned my life around by this role-reversal. I don't know if I this is permanent, I don't know how long this is going to last. I remember you saying that day in the car (about an incident that must not be written about) that if not for anything, you'll remain special for giving me a story I can tell me kids.

I know I make you happy and we have so much chemistry. But I really, REALLY don't know where this is leading to. So in case it all turns upside down again (because one really never knows with you) - this is why you'll remain special. Because, as the cliche goes, there's a side of me that you brought out.