Sunday, November 30, 2008

Disclaimer: fingers. typing letters onto the empty space in front me.

Me: *looks up*
What to write?

Mind: Why can't you ever write down what is going on in here? I never see a precise account articulated.

Me: But nothing ever comes out the way I want to.

Mind: Have you ever tried?

Me: You think I haven't?

Mind: Why do you let other people's perception get to you?

Me: You're what reminds me of it everytime I sit down to write.

Mind: Why does it matter to you so much how the response will be? "Art for Art's sake", perhaps?

Me: It never works like that. I'm never able to write something and be satisfied with it. Similarly, I'm never able to sing/perform something and be satisfied with it.

Mind: You know why? Because you have too many notions in here. I can't deal with so many. Too many people, significantly placed albeit, and too many perceptions, too many opinions.

Me: I don't have one of my own.

Mind: It'll come to you soon. You'll get answers.

Me: That was profound.

Mind: You underestimate me.

Me: I don't know what to overestimate or underestimate.

Mind: What is your deal, exactly?

Me: I don't know. And that's the issue.

Mind: So you want to know?

Me: No, see, I know. But I want to be able to articulate it out.

Mind: And you can't do that?

Me: Yes. Plus, I'm lost. Quote, I'm running around in circles, putting my fingers into way too many things. I don't stick to one thing, I'm not satisfied with the other.

Mind: Maybe it's time you stop and focus on one thing at a time?

Me: But if I do that, time will pass too fast, before I'll want to let it go. I'm not done with the duration of time. I have so much more to do. I have so much more to say. I have so much more to sing/ to perform. I have so much more searching to do, so many more tried-tested-failed experiences to experience. I have so many more people to meet, I have so many more compliments, so much more criticism to face. I have so many more fantastic days and alternatively so many more self-questioning days to face. So much more to learn, so much more to put to use. So much more to cry over, so much more to laugh into the pillow about.
I'm being pulled by the hands into a waiting period, for a place I'm not ready to get into. I'm sure it'll be great, but I'm not quite done here. I'm being made to finish eating the huge chocolate cake that I just started to savor.

Mind: Let it go. Go along.


Thursday, November 27, 2008

I am the tough one. I realize that I have too much respect for all my friends to be lax with them about certain dead end things, no matter how hard they might seem to be rational about. And I'm usually not the mothering one.
This might sound teeny bit snobby but I can see things clearly maybe because I've been in and out of it.. many times. And I know that nothing's going to come out of it because it is a MESS. And getting into something inspite of knowing it is a mess, is something I've done before, so I know it is hard to come to terms with the fact that there are no expectations, there are no answers. We can wait all we want, but nothing will ever come out to be satisfactory. How do I know this? I can't explain, you'll have to see this from my perspective to understand.
Believe it or not, the reason I'm so harsh and so stern about this is because I know it is a downfall.
I hate to be the one to stand apart and make firm decisions, but I need to. I hate to be the one standing in the corner, wondering when this will sink into your head while the others are holding your hand telling you things will be okay. Get this. They WILL NOT untill you don't want them to.
You can keep running around in circles finding answers or backing your actions on the basis of past successes ( or connections) but the fact of the matter is, it's just going to be a pitfall. Knowing this, I am sorry, I cannot be supportive of what you do. I cannot be around, offering reasonable advice because you want to stick around and find out, or you don't want to let go of what you think is your perfect situation.
You're always going to find reasons to stay back. Some more intense, some less, and you're always going tell yourself that this is the last time. But there's never a last time. You'll always find a justification to pull you back. Recognise that this in only a downfall. And a dead end. Know that if you choose to put an end to it, It will be a lot harder than you expected. But you'll get through it. You will. I did, and you know how hard it was for me, and how stubborn and blind I was.

If you still want to stick on, know that I love you, too much to see you through this again. Deal with my shut mouth.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Frankly? Frankly?

I don't know how I feel. I almost can't believe I'm saying this on the same day that my friends threw me a surprise birthday party, and words cannot define how much that meant to me.
I hate it when you know that within you, you have mixed feelings, but you aren't articulate enough to clearly distinguish between the both.

Passing time. I hate the feeling. I have always been scared of inevitability. I know that this is my last birthday as a college student. And mo matter how much I whine about wanting to move out, I don't want to close this chapter of my life. I really don't. I'm sure once I start the new one, I won't remember how I felt at this point, but the fact of the matter is I have NOT lived this year to the fullest. There is so much more that I could've done and now I've not been given the time.

I don't want to pass out of college, I don't want to stop singing, or being a part of my choir, I don't want to stop studying literature, I never ever want to lose touch with my friends, I don't want to stop working for the newspaper. I want to give it so much more. I want to learn so much more as a college student. Why are these oppurtunities so short lived?

Okay lets focus on the brightside. I've always had to throw people surprises, and no-one ever got the hint that I'd like it back. Except this year, and especially because everyone who means slightly something in my life was present. I'm going to try and capture this feeling of love that I have for every person present yesterday.

  1. Pugsie- I just messaged you. You noticed that I wanted this. You planned it out. You're the best. i love you too much. I wouldn't know what to do without you, i would never let myself see that day. *kisses*
  2. Zwikie- See, you will be a part of my life forever. No two ways about it. You know I can't live without. You're my only constant, and you know how much you mean to me. Happy birthday to you, too :)
  3. Sh- What to say about you? I'm so glad to have met you. I'm never letting myself lose touch with you. You're the second best thing that happened to me. (msg me if you didn't figure out what the first it. wink!) We are going to move out and live together. You know I love you, more than words can convey.
  4. A- I just wish I had met you earlier. I wish I had the chance to spend more time with you. I will always regret the fact that we met so late. I look upto you, you're as close as anyone can get to being like me, yet miles apart. I love spending time with you, you understand things mose people don't, and more than ever, I'm glad we share the same passion for music. Our connection is undescribabable :)
  5. Anu- You're in the bathroom right now. What do I say about you? I'm glad I have you around, I don't quite share this unique relationship with anyone. You might have acted badly, but I can't point out any other person who cares about me as much as you do. You deserve every bit of success that will come your way. Much Much Much love :)
  6. Sw- You underdog! I love you, like I'd love my younger sister. You can bring a genuine smile to my face, in seconds. I look out for you, without realizing how protective I am of you. Most of all, I'm glad you're around for that constant reality check. *kiss*
  7. N- You complete me! And I know you're probably never going to read this, which is why I can say- you're the hottest person I know! And the most loyal, endearing one at that. I'm so glad I met you, I'm even more glad we have much more than what shows on face value.
  8. In- Again, I wish I had met you earlier. You make me happy, one can't not be happy around you. Your presence is almost therapuetic. You're such a beautiful person, and I genuinely love you.
  9. Vb and Sri- I don't know you guys enough, but I'm glad you came nonetheless. It shows how much people care. I have loved every minute of knowing the both of you :)

Phew. Okay... I'm officially facing a growing out of your teens crisis. I'll be fine. I loved the gifts, and I'm going to get more :D

Well, cheers to being me!

Monday, November 17, 2008

I must record today. I feel fantastic, and I think deserve it after the rather turbulent week that i've just lived through. Let me chart out reasons.
  • I think I've looked my best today. I don't know what it was, but I could feel eyes on me. And even though I'm usually quite the blow my own trumpet kind, this time I'm going to take in one step further: I was looking a mix of sexy, pretty, curvy, beautiful, flirty put together :D
  • I just discovered curves!!! Curves!!
  • Sh came back from pune, with a new level of.... experience. HAHA. Okay, I'm just tooo ecstatic for her!
  • Music! I've discovered this new french woman, who is absolutely fantastic. She has the kind of voice that makes you want to grab someone of the opposite sex and dance.

Okay, there a zillion other reasons. When you're in a good mood, the reasons just tend to overflow. I need to start studying. I really need to hit the books. But I've been telling myself it's the birthday week, so that's it. Next week onwards, I will :D

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Am just discussing with someone how the truth is boring and shocking. Sometimes you reach a point in your life when the truth is no longer a jolt. You see it coming, you expect.. not the worst, but not the best either. I guess it's called being cynical. And I've always know this about me. I was never optimistic, a dreamer or any of those bright sounding words.When things happen that are not supposed to, my first reaction is never- "okay, why did that happen" but more like, "okay, what next". And usually, my emotions come out after i've answered the what next. So, if it is an absolutely hopeless situation, I will go all.. "ah, well.. bring it on. It had to happen, might as well deal with it", and if it can be worked on my response would be, "alright, let me chart out exactly what all I can do now".

It is after that ritual, if you will, that I get down to emoting over the situation, whatever be the needful. And this is almost how it is with every aspect. I'm not denying that incase the intensity of the situation is on extremes, my reactions would not be extreme. I will react as you would expect me to react, my point here is, I've reached the stage of indifference, practicality or cynicism, whatever you want to call it, that nothing is unacceptable for me. Things will hurt be, shock me, make me upset, make me cry, make me extremely annonyed, happy, ecstatic etc. But nothing has ever been unacceptable for me.

Is that indicative of something? I mean I don't know If I'm making sense here... what I'm trying to say is I accept. I always have. I might push things, manipulate, try to change stuff and all that jazz, but eventually I accept. Not because I'm left with no choice, but because it comes naturally to me. I bear with things, I accept things faster than most people I know. What freaks me though, is whether this is a form of escapism or just me? And I think this is the reason why I'm so oscillative (a word even?) by nature. I give it as they want to see it. And then I take it back occasionally. A rare few really know me. Nobody yet who knows all of me.

Rather startling realisation I realized. Probably also the reason why I have never been angry my entire life. I have never been angry, raged, etc. I have only been irritated, annonyed. But never more than that. Things get to me easily, but I let go even more easily.

P.s- try bread. very very soulful :D

Friday, November 7, 2008

Okay, I finally won. I don't know how I feel about it, really. I love the fact that I effortless went up on stage and performed, not sang, performed. And for the first time in my life, I got marks for stage presence. On the flipside, the acapella group performance was quite shitty. And i felt pointing fingers and going "I told you so"... but I love them all too much.

I love singing. I realized how much I love being on stage today, feeling the melody coming out of my mouth, and the notes sending shivers down my spine. I was quite moody today, haven't had much sleep. The oscillations have been constant (ooh, paradox!), and I'm rather okay with this. I have different versions of what i want, coming from far too many people, but that's okay. It gets to me sometimes that I get so close to something, and i feel good about it, but it almost invariably always remains incomplete. So I've realized that I will continue, untill I internally don't get the signal to stop.

P.s- have been meeting quite appropriate people. goooood conversations :)