Sunday, June 29, 2008

Too many things are happening and yet they all seem so petty. Like, yesterday i spent about 4 hours straight on the PC finishing an article with pugsie on bloody gtalk, so that's a first! And just when I thought my work was finished, I realised I had to cut down my coldplay review by 100 words. And I've always been on the other side, really. I've always found it a lot easier to articulate what I have to say in less words, so I never had a problem with exceeding word limit, untill you ask me to talk about music.

You know, I've realised that most of my posts are a whine in a way. Mostly about the pitiful state of my romantic life, or about things here and there that bother me. And I just realised that there are so many thing out there that can easily put a smile on my face. EASILY. To admitt, I'm quite a sucker for cliches. I love babies, flowers, a cute pet or even a stray dog on the road, and frankly with time I have learnt to accept it. I don't go on criticizing things just for the hec of criticism or because apparently, being cynical is the new trend. Me and Best friend have always been a certain way, very very cynical, our standards are UP there (sometimes it gets scary because you realize that your demans are very specific and minute), but on the other hand, we both love the most cheesiest things. Seriously, we're corny people. And I will not reveal how corny with the risk of being branded a dork.

But apart from this interesting contrast I realised, that I'm not just a regular music "freak" or a music "buff". People have preferances, and so do I. But I know there are very few who appreciate music as a whole the way do. Lets put it this way... I'm madly, head over heels in love with music. Any form any type. My preferances is what I will listen to, or what you'll find in my ipod, but you give me any song and I'll start humming it in a day. I believe in the power of music, and you'll have to trust me, it certainly does have power.

I don't think my love for music will ever change. It'll always remain. And among all my cynical attributes, my "make fun of xyz" time with Best Friend, my ranty/whiny/defensive marathons... i realised that all I need... to calm me down, is one musical note. It's something that'll always remain a part of me.

P.s- I was going to title this post as "music in my soul"... i realised it would create some very OTT reactions.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Okay, that's it. I did not think I would feel this way at 20. You know, soothing hatrid. And there's nothing I can do because.. its complicated and I got into it myself.
So magnetron thinks I took things way seriously and asked him to change. and so.. he asked said "fuck it" and stopped talking to me.

Now, maybe its just a pity that he's immature or maybe I could wring his neck and break it and throw it. I left the conversation we had at a difference of opinion and did the mature thing. Let go. How fucking immature would you have to be to complicate things further and scapegoat? first things first, I did not as him to change, I barely know him. All i asked him to do was have a decent conversation.

If he's feeling frisky, he doesn't have to tell the world. Even if they've interrupted him at the wrong time.. (in his words). I'm not talking about the "talk to girls politely" shit. That's just sexist. What I mean is you don't have to tell me about how horny you're feeling when i ask you "whats up" even if you are.... And its not like this is the first time he's been... err, very vocal about his thoughts. So If I had to take any of it seriously, I could've with a zillion other things. Its just, that night, I reached saturation point. Why the fuck should he tell me anything related to how horny he was, if he was just answering my "whats up" question and not playing on ulterior motives?

And if he was playing on ulterior motives.. i had to right to ask him t move on to a decent conversation.. or stop talking to him for good. Which I did... due to a different opinion/insight. Where the fuck did "me taking it too seriously" come in?? Urgh, 21 year old horny bastards. I did not ask him to change anything about himself... and if he thinks maintaining a normal comversation is not a part of him.. then its good that we stopped talking. The least I expected was him to not come to stupid immature conclusions about that conversation we had... and tell our common friend about it. When I told her, I was rather mature about it.

Why the fuck do I always meet the bloody immature assholes? That's it. I pronounce all 21 year old, malu, engineering students as bastards.
Infact all men excluding Dad and brothers.

P.s- If he can be immature, so can I.
p.p.s- forgive the cribbing, I had no other outlet. This is by far the most frustating thing ever. And I though I had the last word.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

" ....and the hardest part, was letting go, not taking part"

I don't know what I'd do without coldplay. I'm even doing a review of their new album for our july issue. I think I got off the wrong side of the bed today. Got up with a cramp in my neck, felt bloated. Criticised everything under the sun, except the movie we saw today. Let me make a list of things that pissed me off.

Wait, magnetron is online. FUCK.

I can handle this. I know I'm not going to do anything, It sucks to know he's a window away. I should ideally close the stupid window, but I know i won't. I'm going to wait untill he doesn't try to say hi... which won't happen... and then I'll boast that I didn't say hi... and not feel good about it.

Anyway, screw magnetron. I shall make a list of things that pissed me off today.

  • Girls wearing stilettoes for a fucking movie in the afternoon. I mean, have you looked at yourself woman? Especially in this scorching heat? I mean, its one thing to dress up, which is totally upto you, but stilettoes... urgh.
  • When you enter a movie hall with fucking midget-y seats, you're bound to make some noise... and whoever said "can you shut up?" deserved the "get some manners" by pugsie today. I could kill these school kids who think they own the world. Grow up, assholes.
  • Those smug people in the pizze place. They smile at you but I know they're judging,. Woman, not everybody is as skinny as you.. we take time to figure out which slice is less fattening.
  • Idiots who insist on paying for their girlfriends... and their stupid pseudo fight right at the counter. Decide on you fucking way to the counter people! And for god's sake don't pretend like you want to pay when you don't, you bloody damsel in pseudo distress.
  • Don't stare when you're driving just because I'm fixing my hair in the auto. Don't you care about your life? God, I'd have pulled eyes out today.
  • Urgh, why? Why is he still online and not fucking bothered. He should ideally be apologising. Or trying to make conversation nonetheless.

Okay, I'm just in a stupid mood. I shall go for a walk... in a while and gloat to anyone who'll hear, about my willpower. And I shall feel nice about the hot little thing that I am.


Monday, June 23, 2008

Okay, this is going to be a very "unlike me" post. I'm going to try and not get defensive, be fair and calm, and spell out all sides of the story.

Wait, I just saw dad dancing becoz the PC has "jailhouse rock" playing. Awww :) {I use it more often when im aware someone doesn't like it. ahahahahaha. so much for an unlike me post}

Right I should get started. I will get straight to the point. None of you will ever here about Magnetron from now onwards. I have officially decided to not make him a part of my life. Let me begin by telling you what happened between us.. from the start. We were introduced, we flirted, he made me feel good after really long, his POA was more towards the "wham-bham-thankyou-ma'am" side, and mine was more towards conversation-leading-to-something-that-we-shall-not-spell-out-directly. Err, if you get me. The conflict of interest came out in the open. I drew a line. We decided to not go there, and continue to be friends/on talking terms. HA.

I kept telling everyone how I appreciated him being honest. I kept standing up for his blunt-ness. I have called him names many times, but I always did appreciate his being honest with me. Sometimes, he got a little too honest, and I put myself through that as well. Because you might think you know what you're doing, but in situation like these, sometimes you're not aware of the real line. When the attention stopped, I yearned for it. So the simple "flirted and didnt work out" relationship, became more complicated because... of hope. He had spelled it out for me. I still hoped he'd miraculously look at it the way I did.

He never stopped crossing the line, the same line I thought I had well defined within me. Apparently not. Because with time I learned to brush away his inisuations. Politely. And because I was so polite about it, he never stopped trying. Apparently on 1% men believe that a woman can flirt without wanting sex. Yeah, I know, SUCKS. Maybe, just maybe, she could be looking for good conversation.... *hold your breath* yes, that is it. Conversation.

So anyway, after the other experience I had with guys crossing their line, last night when he started talking similarly, I'd had enough. I didn't want to put myself to it. Unfortunately, I cannot articulate myself well in situations where Im not sure about how I feel. It took me till today morning to understand how I felt. So pugise handled it. (I love you with all my heart for doing that. You're the reason behind this firm decision that I've made. I swear I'd have screwed up without you. muah :))

Basically, we told him off. She him that enough was enough and that he'd talk to me only when we could have a conversation without him bringing up his favorite topic. And he says- "No can do"
So without passing ANY judgement, I decided that it was the end. I've had bitter self esteem issues in the past, but not bad enough to know I don't need t be a part of this mess. I understnd his want to talk about anything, hence there was n name calling. I just did not to pu myself through it anymore. Its over. I don't talk to him again. And I know I will. No weak moments, no detours.
And, Im fairly normal. The realisation has not made one bit of a difference to my life. I just am stronger, in terms of what I want and drawing a line. I'm quite proud of myself of making this decision. Its me: biggest succumb-er to forbidden fruit :) Its definitely going to help me make right decisions in the future.

Phew. Hasn't scarred me for life or anything, but I'm repulsed nonetheless. I think this is the beginning of my "I don't have time for a relationship" period. Well, bring it on :)

P.s- pugsie, I am very very thankful.
P.p.s- awww, Preeti, you think I'm cute :)
P.p.p.s- Next post will be very cynical and defensive, I promise. NO more growing up stuff! Even, I miss me already.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Okay ESSENTIALLY what happens when you add someone to your "must reads" section, is the person's blogpage becomes a tad bit famous.

Plus, there has to definitely be a reason why I must have added it. It doesn't fucking matter if you think that your blogpage is shit, I liked it and I could relate to it.. which doesn't necessarily mean its the biggest literary creation since Hamlet.

"I liked it" could as well be a fucking acceptable reason to include a person's blogpage on your "must-reads" list.. without the purpose of a recommendation really.

So if, erm, you have issues with me doing that, then it's safe to say you're retarded.

P.s- Talked to magnetron again :) was normal.
P.p.s- Yeah, I get very defensive, get used to it.

Friday, June 20, 2008

There are some things that are bothering me. I have to vent it out before I forget about it. Yes, I know this is the first time I've written two posts in a day. Up yours.

So, recently I was told that my humour looks like its forced. Now i respect the opinion because its coming from my editor, but I just realised then, that I'm not a funny person. I can't make people laugh. (p.s- magnetron said I had full capabilities of making him laugh. like really :) ) I'm essentially a sarcastic person. Not Chandler Bing sarcastic, because thats just funny, lets face it, I mean the Ross kind of funny. Its adorable and very relatable. Now, Im not a geek, I was told by pugsie that my blog is relatable, and I kinda agree. And I think I'm sassy. I don't know if there's one word to describe the way I write.. let me know if any of you have figured it out.

Whats with the hippocrates out there? Okay, I realize that 90% or men and women are hippocrates, and its something to say it aloud and acknowledge it, but what I don't understand is one moment somebody will say things like- "my future girl/wife should be tradional, a virgin, homely" blah blah and then a couple of days later, they say things like- "so where're all the slutty girls I'd like to meet?". How can you possibly live with yourself with a fucking hippocritical(or however the fuck it's spelt) bug inside of you?? Fine, I know everyone is not perfect... but you know when it gets sucky?? When you meet perfect people through a situation that spells out c-o-m-p-l-i-c-a-t-i-o-n.

Okay, Im vry passionate about the entrance exam for English hons being removed and it boils my blood when someone doesn't see it the way I do. Now, in an ideal world I should be able to say "everyone is entitled to their own opinion", but the hell they're not in this case. Because this rising cut-off debate along with doing away with entrances, is just really irritating me.

Also, reading chick-lit, watching chick flicks, and sitcoms like "sex and the city", "gossip girl" etc DOES NOT make you stupid in anyway. Popular mass media is not any inferior. Newsflash: ITS POPULAR. If people are judging you because you like a casual chick-lit-ish book or like watching movies which have a happy ever after ending, then they're the ones who're dumb.. or hippocrates.

Phew. there's more, but its more or less out... AND I'm back in the game!

P.s- that's how its done!
Over these few days I:
  • talked to Magnetron. YAY! After nearly a month! It wasn't magical but I realized how much I love talking to him, and if there was a way for me to get things to work out between us, I would never lot go of him. But there isn't, so Im just acknowledging how perfect he is to everyone who's willing to listen and taking this very positively.
  • have not been able to write as I'd like to. Have a major writer's block. Wonderful time to join a newspaper as a correspondent I know :(
  • have figured out what to do with 5'10. And I've been hoping this is just a phase.
  • have fallen in love with Switchfoot and Poets of the fall.
  • have been trying to decrypt a certain someone's queer behaviour... but its just to queer...
  • have been reading Mrs. Dalloway and I absolutely love it.
  • have been missing college!

sigh! Magnetron :D He asked me not go when I was leaving.. "don't go, screw work... talk to me". Did I mention he's perfect? Sigh.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Was supposed to meet 5'10 today. Its funny how she's my oldest friend, someone I've grown up with and I can't stand her. She's pisses the hell out of me. I won't get into the reasons, but every time i have to talk to her or make a plan with her, I feel like strangling her or something. Like today for example, I told I'd come over around 12 because she's been wanting to tell me something for really long- and something apparently, which can't be told over the phone. So i made the plan, FOR once I'm busy these days, still took out time, and now she's not fucking picking up my phone. Its 11.30 btw.

What the fuck are you supposed to do with friends like these? I can't take it. I really can't! I hope I don't get to meet her today or Im just going to blurt out exactly how I feel and possibly ruin our friendship.

This sucks. She should fucking get out of her rose tinted world, and realize that people aren't going to want to lick her ass everytime.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

I dare you to move... like today never happened.

(P.s- courtesy Switchfoot. I love the song. I love my single status, but making out with magnetmoron will never be an impossibility, even when Im 90. Other than that, am busy busy busy. For all of you who are waiting for an inspiring song to coem your way, please listen to this one.)

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Ignore typos!
  1. Preeti's POST.
  2. you've all made horrendous "mistakes" at some point.
  3. that WAY magnetmoron was way better.
  4. Its so much more better to be blunt than presume on the basis of actions that you have construed ON THE BASIS OF your own little stupid conclusions.

was too mad to notice them before.

My post is quite opposite to Preeti. Since I just read hers, i just remembered this incident that happened with me over the weekend. More about my weekend at Best friend's place later in the post :)

Its the second night at Best friend's. We're waiting for fictitious and magnetmoron to appear magically on our gtalk list, while cracking some MEAN jokes on gramatically incorrect people and their lingo. Typically us. So we see A online. Its 2 in the morning. A brief intro about A. Warning: this could lead to a few gasps, and well, you've all made horrendous at some point in your life.
So he's this guy who added me on Orkut. We got talking, I got a little attracted to him because he was BRAINY, not intelligent. Well, intelligent, a little yes, but more brainy, really. The whole mind game thing got over in a bit and now we're friends. so most conversations are quite comfortable and not like they used to be, mind games et al.

So we get talking and as usual, my conversation with most guys has some element of fun in it. Even when I talk to almost brother-ish school friends and geeks, its the same. I flirt. period. Its my thing. Yes, I do have a sense of when to flirt and how to flirt, and how much with whom and chioce of words, blah blah, but I can assure you A is someone who I would expect to understand. He's smart enough to not take it the wrong sense. I mean, what i said was hardly flirtatious anyway.

A: i prefer anonymity during chats

me: yeah like anyone's reading this

A: i am, thats all that matters

me: so where's the anonymity btw the both of us
A: i meant, not taking names fr nothing in between.

me: so i should call you by your full name then?

A: no nothing at all. why do u have to call my name, i am here, is that not resounding enough, or should i call and tell u i am here, not my dad

me: why is it such a big thing for me to say your name?

A: its is very pseudo-romantic, and i hate most pseudo things, leave myself
me: you do realise that people use pther people's names while talking to them... its not always romantic.. unless you're deliberately trying to create an atmosphere here! HAHA!
(note: that, is my I-don't-mean-to-sound-like-im-interested-in-you-but-I-flirt-nonetheless kind of way of flirting)

A: dont you laugh, i might as well be doing that.
(note: ???)

the next few lines, we just randomly flirt around, RANDOMLY. Like you would with a friend. Or atleast that is what I thought. And then just when I was about to be proud of the fact that there's one guy out there who doesn't make UNNECESSARY judgements, he goes on to saying this-

A: you sound busy, I'd rather quit than be cursed.

Me: no, no, just water break. what else could I be doing.

A: dunno, maybe watching some porn :)
(note: THE SMILEY. why???)

So there. I refuse to believe i gave out a vibe because that is just bullshit. Or it is? So even random flirting at 2 am means a girl is loose? Its not the end. The next few lines are even more confusing.

me: you crossed a line there.

A: i didnt know cultured girls could not watch some porn, who can talk of being explicit but see sex as taboo...............all apologies, a la cobain

Me: whatever. Im off, bye.

A: oooh. fine, bye.

me: sex is not a taboo, btw.

A: porn is.

And so I just blocked him while he was saying things like : taboo still exists blah blah.
Now the problem is I'm not sure if that was a defensive action or what he really thinks, considering the fact that there was a point when we both knew we were attracted to each other. The point is, why are such judgements made? Can't people take flirting the way its fucking supposed to be received? That was magnetmoron was so much better. Its so much more better to be blunt than presume on the basis of ACTIONS that you have construed on your own little stupid conclusions. Urgh.
Am I overacting? Comment either way.

The weekend otherwise was fun. It's always reallly fun around Best friend. The videos were hilarious, sex and the city is a nice movie. Heard some shocing stuff about magnetmoron, but I guess I'm almost over him. Feeling very very "feminist" now. I could kill.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

What I wouldn't do to change this. Its very petty, but embarrassing nonetheless. I hate it! You know the feeling of inevitability plus the quality of blabbering nonsense put together? It sucks. I hate not being to be myself around new people who shouldn't and are not trying to make me feel nervous but I end up gettin nervous anyway and BLABBER.

I hate it when I blabber. I know I'm talking bullshit, but I say it anyway, FOR no reason. There is no reason why I blabber, but I blabber anyway. Like right now. Urgh.

Don't get me wrong Im in a fairly nice mood. Its just that I get easily nervous around new people, under professional or personal circumstances. And it sucks that this time it's profressional. I hate knowing that Im a different person but the people I blabber in front of are forming a totally different opinion of me because of my blabbering. I hate being thought of dumb, and obviously when I blabber, the person who's on the receiving end will think Im dumb, or I'm stoned or something.
I'm intellectually very capable and anti-drugs, thank you very much.

Okay, on a more positive note, Mum and Dad bought a new car. It looks great and finally we have a car with an Mp3 player! So that should something to gloat about for a while. I have to make sure I dont sound like a dumbfuck when I get another call in a minute or so. Plus, I have to make sure I don't get a writer's block once Im apointed some work. It always happens to me, and this time It'll be horrible to have a writer's block, especially when the only toher way I can prove to people who think I blabber is by writing quite well, and YES I'm capable of it.

Anyway. I'm going over to Best friend's place for 3 days tom. Infact we've like made a mini timetable sorta thingy:) Hoping to catch Sex and the city while Im there.
Urgh, If only I could get rid of the stupid blabbering habit. It happened with Vp and my first editor who called me, it happened throughout my thing with M, with Magnetmoron and now with this.

I should focus on maintaining a dignified silence when nervous instead of blabbering like a prick. I hate those eyes liek usually look at me whenever I blabber. Thankfully on the phone its just the tone. Eyes are pretty much worse.

Okay, I'm doing it again.
Going now, before it gets worse.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

I'm back! Finally! Okay, the last thing I want to do is describe my pitiful vacation... but I'll do it anyway, albiet in short.

So we pretty much averaged 5 temples a day... Kerela was boo-tiful though. So was "Pondy" and Ooty... but apart from these nice places, nothing really made me feel nice. I felt homesick every minute. I actually dreamed of doing what Im doing now, writing in my blog, listening to sane music (sorry to thos who like tamil language, in my defence i don't speak it, so cant enjoy the music for long) and making GOOD plans.. plans that spell out v-a-c-a-t-i-o-n in its true sense. I'm actually listening to old hindi songs.

This vacation has made me realize what a thorough delhi-ite I am. I always went about telling people how much in love with my community I was... I still have a (small little) thing for tam-brahms but I realised that I cannot possibly live anywhere but Delhi. It will always ALWAYS be home. HOME :D

Though Chennai is nice... Preeti, I thought of you a couple of times during the 6 days I was there. Infact I met up with an old friend's of dad, and they have a daughter who's working in Geneva. The minute I saw her, I felt this... um, you know, perfectness. She's perfect for Ok. Acha, seriously, neither do I know the both of you well, but sometimes you just know!
Kinda scary how much blogger rules my life :)

Other trivial details: Magnetmoron and me flirted on and off during the trip. Aspiring Actor called when I was in Chennai, I think I'm over Magnetmoron, but time will tell. Ooh, a funny thing happened. Early morning 6 am, in the airport, boarding the flight to chennai, I saw this (my kinda) cute guy, we checked out each other for about 6 hours. I figured he'd be from Chennai coz his grandmother was wearnig a typical tamilian saree. Was fun but I didn't give it to much attention. While returning 22 days later, I saw him again in the same flight as mine. 2 seats away and looking even cuter, buying the same chocolate bar that I wanted and listening to the same music I like. Destiny or co-incidence, whatever you might want to call it, I'm hoping I see him again, now that I know he's from Delhi. Finally!

3 days with Best friend, and lunch with my 3 most fav people, IN DELHI, my Delhi! Life's great! Only I need to continue my workout. Otherwise this is Perfect!

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Im still in chennai but im getting back in 2 DAYS!!! omg! I've been so homesick!!

SOOOO BLOOODY HOMESICK. i've missed ALLLL of you!! each and every single one. don't have time to reply to comments but thanks for the wishes!!

trip was ok, majorly devotional so i got bored, and FREAKING HOMESICK. remind me to never leave delhi again. I'll write about the trip in detail later. Just logged in to tell everyone that i love them! I'm so glad im coming home!