Friday, March 28, 2008

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
Was the hardest part
And the strangest thing
Was waiting for that bell to ring
It was the strangest start
I could feel it go down
Bittersweet, I could taste in my mouth
Silver lining the cloud
I wish that I could work it out
And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
You really broke my heart
And I tried to sing
But I couldn’t think of anything
And that was the hardest part
I could feel it go down
You left the sweetest taste in my mouth
You're a silver lining the clouds
I wonder what it’s all about
I wonder what it’s all about
Everything I know is wrong
Everything I do, it's just comes undone
And everything is torn apart

The beauty of this song is, even though the lyrics are... sad, the song is very positive. And thats what i am, right now. I did Through the looking Glass nicely, and i feel like a "good girl".. still royally screwed, but Im okay. I'm fine

(name) is Online.

Urghhhhhhhhhh. I wonder if there's someone out there who fights with themselves and debates with themsleves about making damn conversation.

AnywayS. Hahaha.

Moving on... Im glad Aditi's in this position now, and i can help her in the best possible way, around her, i feel like such a big sister :) Its so weird, how you're a different person around different people. I know thats reallllly old, but you know, it strikes you like aise hi... and it suddenly makes much more sense to you on one day than the other...

Okay, enough now. fingers being a piss off. need to read up on As You Like It.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

How do i feel right now? Burdened... dumb... average. And then you'll say, "There's nothing wrong with being average". I feel like just 25% of what Im capable of has come out, and im not just talking about academics. I dont know what it is. Its a nagging thought that refuses to let go of me. Its so irritating, it doesnt let me feel on extremes and move on, but makes me stay in this position untill i shut myself from the world, only to find out the solution was always in front of me.
How do i get myself to bring out the best in me? Why do i want to all of a sudden..? Because i see how fast thigns are moving and i know very soon Im going to be left at the same position i thought i'd always remain comfortable in, and suddenly I'll want to move forward but it will be too late. Why i am being so... negative? I dont know. Because i feel inadequate, because there's something that wants to crawl out of me, but i'm not letting it.
Sigh. I want to sing. I want to prove so much to so many people. I know Im good. Im not an Average singer, but im not the best and hence it'll always remain only a hobby. I know i write well, i know Im not an average writer.... but again, im nowhere near the best, and for some reason i've not been able to find out what Im best at.
Even when i sing, i know i can reach the highest note, i know i can find seconds for the toughest song, but do i put it to use? no. I know im very soft... my voice is not powerful, and that one thing always makes me under-estimate myself. When i write, there's so much i want to say, there's so much more i know... i understand so much more than i can articulate out. Whenever i read anything I've written, i remember how i wanted to elaborate more on something, but i never got on it.
I know i keep saying I've accepted myself the way i am. It has helped me a lot in a way, but i still dont know ME. I know parts of me, but i havent been able to totally define me for the longest time. I hate this long duration of growing up. Will i ever finish? I know i've almost reached there. There's nothing more thats being added, Im just yet the find out SO many more things im capable of... i know there's more to me.
Hopefully one day, in this same blog... I'll be able writing about me. The whole of me, and not just a few parts.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Sometimes.... you're left with so much awe... you cant express it. With words or actions. Dont get me wrong, its the kind of awe I can only sit back and enjoy, I dont want to become anything or anybody.... I'm just so amazed at how everything that i've felt at one point in my life, i have someoone fortunately, around me to vocalize it... and well :)

Right now, Im very secure about what i am, and what i want to be. What scares me sometimes is the more i think I've grown up enough, i realize that there's so much more growing up i need to do. I dont want to become like anyone here, but i look up to so many different things about so many different people that Im scared about loosing myself somewhere in between there. I love me, i sincerely do. But there's so much more i want to be. And at times i know i cant vocalise all of that, yes i love that flawed part of me too, but sometimes it irritates the shit outta me.

I love how Saumia can talk to anybody, and make everyone's problems hers. I love how she knows how to handle things deep inside, and is very smart inspite of the dumb days she thinks she has and is so warm inspite of knowing the good in her :) I absolutely need to boast about the smallest thing i know is good about me! I love how Swati is so practical and in control of how she feels, it amazes me to see how amazingly simple she is, how the smallest things make her happy while Im whining about the whole world. I love her approach, i really wish i could imbibe it. I love how Street smart Anu is, i love how she can get her work done under any circumstance, i love her dedication and how observant she is. I love the r'ship we share, i've never had that with anyone, and i loooove it!

I love Aditi, period. I cant explain it, and what i like about our r'ship... she's like me sister, i dont need to prove the love, i dont need reassurances, i dont need to keep in touch. She's going to be there, period. What do i say about Aneesa? I've always wanted to be like her.. i've always wanted her advice. I've loved her opinions, i love how she's so warm and amazing, and when one needs to, she'll admitt that she made a mistake...
Shruti... :) she's the reason behind many of my realizations. She literally makes me think. About events in my life and others. Leaving aside the fact that i look upto her, the thing love about her the most is how non-judgemental she is. On one hand you see her opinionated side and on the toher you have her accepting side. Like i've told so many people before... she's me, only 6 years later.
Maneesh.. all i will say is, he's now more a Teacher than anything. I've learnt too many things about life and me from him to term our (non-existent) relationship with anything more or less.

These are the inspirations in my life. Fortunately, most are my best friends! yes, probing on the realization that i have a lot of growing up to do... i also love one more (can you believe?:) thing about me... my realizations come from within... i always know. The trick is how fast i choose to implement it. And this time, i've already started.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

I just realized... i dont title my posts.

Im in a veryyy weird yet not so weird mood. Definitely high on self esteem, but clueless about the future. Is it possible to love yourself this much?? I mean, its just making me doubt this phase a little bit. I can understand feeling ugly for long intervals of time, but loving yourself?? Thats new, for me atleast!

Okay, how'd you feel when all the guys you've fancied and gone out with turn out to be "good guys"... considering you dated or liked them coz they weren't perfect and flawed and the quintessential "bad boy"??
I dont like how *unmentionable people* are acting sweet and nice. Urgh, its pissing me off a little, i mean COME on, where's the darn charm??

Whats with me and bad boys? Friends would like to believe its an esteem problem as usual, crap about how i dont think i deserve nice guys... i do, and i know! And Im so single, I'd date anybody with a Brain :D And sexi-plexi isnt helping...neither is "mad about you" :D

Yep, Ive also conveniently forgotten about the exams. Oh, and yes, today is Holi. Yawn. I dont like Holi? Whats so great about getting messy and icky? Thats no way to celebrate! Anyway, I've never been to fond of Diwali, Holi etc.

I know... i know. Im a bitch when in a good mood. An opinionated, mean, cynical Bitch. But BUT, Im still sooooooooooooooooooooo happy for Aditi. I love its finally happening for her. And with somebody who's decent for once. And has a brain :D

Have got to go stuff my face into Rover. Behn's pissing off. Anyway, song of the day :D:D recommended to all those people who are in a make-out-ish happy mood :D

Jack Johnson- Sexi Plexi

Sexy sexy made up of plexi disaster
Pushing and pulling conservative rolling
Unlike plastic, easier to see through
Just like glass with no ring
Softer and sadder you sing
Sexy sexy do your thing
Learn to be shy and then you can sting
Plexi, plexi bend don't shatter
Once you're broken shame won't matter
You're breaking your mind
By killing the time it gives you
but you can't blame the time
Cause it's only in your mind
Quickly, quickly go and then you'll know
It's such an awkward show to see
And everyone you wanted to know
And everyone you wanted to meet
Have all gone away
yah they've all gone away
And then you're
Breaking your mind
By killing the time it gives you
Cause you can't blame the time
Cause it's only in your mind
You're breaking your mind

p.s- Almost makes me want to get my lazy ass of the bed and tune my guitar :D
seeeeeeeeeeee ya!

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Blogger can be really pissing off sometimes. I just wrote a nice post and it got deleted for osme wird reason. So me and Pugsie had a very eye-opening discussion in her car that day. Somehow you alreayd know thiese things and yet you need these "discussions" to realize them. Im trying to give this closure and move on. My heart has accepted the fact that Im single, totally, free i dont know, but very much open to more adventure ;) i know he was kinda very desirable, had the right mix of exactly what i wanted but Im sure i derserve all that and more.
Okay, just for fun Im going to make alist of 10 things i'd like in a guy!

10 things i'd look out for:
  1. The voice! and even better if he sings. But yes, if the voice is good, i mean base-y, and one which makes you feel amazing while on the phone, then Im a goner! Kinda soothing, smooth, husky but not girly.... seductive definitely!
  2. Ability to flirt. You know, the ability to say the right thing at the right time, and have a nice heart to only say them when he means it, and know that unnecesary flirting is never appreciated. What i mean is, i wouldnt appreciate someone who gets tongue tied when he sees a girl. But isnt a perv or a horny Arse who does it with every second girl.
  3. Somebody who respects the fact that i can get extremely moody, and can snap and can be a mean bitch and not take it in the wrong sense, because i wouldnt. Im somebody who can keep up with a person being moody, and i would really appreciate it if the guy im interested in were the same. Which only means he should be interested in me enough, not marriage interested but "wow, she's something, i never want to let go fo her!" interested.
  4. Somebody whose not cliched but knows that some things need to be done. Need to take the pace slow, first win the trust, not be the quintessential good guy, but not be an asshole either, make you live on the edge but give you enough reassurance to know its not the end everytime. Make you wait, but not too much, and make you feel smart and good about yourself!
  5. A momma's boy, but not too much. You know, someone whose lived with women in the house, enough to know how a woman's mind works.
  6. Someone whose street smart. Who knows what to do when, where and how. Someone who knows what to do in an eve-teasing situation, not to get into a fight but smartly put a point across and worm your way outta it. Someone who knows how much to bargain, and when to splurge.
  7. Someone whose so comfortable with himself and is so amiable that he can sit and talk in a room filled with Aunties. Basically somebody who is grounded.
  8. Someone who knows when to treat a girl specially and when to let her be. Who doesnt always demand to pay for the girl, and is comfortable enough to willingly accept either going dutch or her paying because he payed the last time.
  9. Somebody who can cry when he has to and not be judgemental when it comes to women.
  10. Lastly- somebody who can help me define who i am.

Ive never been able to do that before with any guy. And i know I have so many expectations, now the next r'ship i get into will have to be close to this, or it'll just remain a fling. I know what i want now. I've been through some loosers who were desirable, some nice guys who werent desirable, and Ive learnt to make another mistake. :) Dont feel depressingly single anymore, and Im waiting... its a hard long wait, i know, sometimes it makes me feel useless and worthless, but i know it'll come. I can feel it. I have the image in my head, i can what its going to be like, and thats why everytime i fall, i stand back up because i know ITS there. :)

Saturday, March 8, 2008

This. is. the. reason. why. people. recommend. being. in. a. relationship. I cannot explain how but today i have the weirdest urge to be no the recieving end of a good pampering session from somebody of the opppsite sex. AND the bastard ISNT EVEN TELEPATHIC. i had such a HORRIBLE DAY. here i am sitting and waiting for *it* to happen, when for all i know, something else is happening right now. I HAVE GOT TO STOP GETTING ADDICTED TO THESE THINGS.
i hate, aboslutely hate hate hate hate hate hate hate my life right now. I want to go on vacation alone.
i hate college.
i hate home.
i hate all my "friends"
i dont feel like talking to close friends
i HATE *
i HATE THE FACT THAT i thought * was my only hope but apparently its not.
and i will kill myself if somebody comments saying- "hate is a very strong emotion, dont use it so frquesntly"
pooof. die all.

Friday, March 7, 2008

Sometimes the weirdest things can happen to you. When you least expect it.. Its kinda weird how you never think about certain things and then they come up right in front of you, and leave you shocked, surprised and confused. And the worst part is, even though its right there, you cant help but doubt it. and then you bash yourself up for thinking about it too much, and try to constantly tell yourself how its no big deal. So you recognise that it is actually not a big deal, and remind yourself to enjoy it while it lasts. Which is why Im talking in codes, though whoever's reading this knows exactly what i mean, (yes, Saumia, you) :):)

Anyway, moving on. The Farewell's coming up in 3 days and Im pretty psyched about it. Its my way of proving to myself that i'd be a great convenor. I will:) ANd i know its a lot of work. Its crazy, i never thought i'd be in this position, all throughout 2nd year i didnt realize it was much more than meets the eye. Its going to be hard to manage my 3rd with it, yes, i know im speaking as if i've already been selected, bugger off, its my blog. I really want this though. Sometimes i get so scrared about how Im going manage my studies but then i know i'll do something. I'll think of something.

Whats irritating is that i hate this phase of my life. The next 3and a half months are going by at extremes. the first month IM going to be piss scared and tensed about my finals, yes for some weird reason they matter to me, and then the next 2 and a half months, IM going to be piss bored, HOPEFULLY, i'll find a job, hopefully in Karnataka.... maybe mysore. :)

*gone to kill self for being stupid*

Monday, March 3, 2008

Do i want a relationship? i dont know... this situation is so nerve wracking... i feel amazing about myself, yet i dont. its functioning on extremes. i dont know how to react/ feel.. what to expect what not. Is it better to not be in this situation at all? i dont know.
Can i handle it? yes, but no matter i say, sometimes, i do want certain things. maybe not from a particular person, but i do. i want someone to appreciate the little beauty that i have, i want someone to touch my life in all senses, i want someone who's want to kiss my forehead at first glance. i want someone who knows. who knows me, what its like to be me.. to recognise that there are better people than me in the world, but still accept me with all my flaws, and like me for being or not being certain things...
is it too much to ask? i dont know? am i placing too much faith into certain things? maybe, and only because i have the satisfaction of knowing i can detach backing me up. but maybe, at 19 and having not experiences mutual love/bliss/passion, i know really want it.
Am i upset that every bit of advancement, if you will, in my life is either one sided or just a result or deep deprivation? i guess thats the summary of how i feel. Placing too many expectations, them not working out, feeling bad about it for exactly 4 hours and then not caring about it at all, OTT flirting becoz i want to believe that im worth attention, but actually realising that what i really want is love, from the opposite sex, and knowing that in the current position thats not possible, hence feeing good outside the house with friends backing me up, but feeling terribly weird at home because of a true reality check.
the question is- am i worth this or more? and if i am worth more, why am i being made to wait for so long, and worse, having it so close to me, yet knowing there's only a limit i can move towards and not more than that?

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Favorite Songs... all time.

these are my all time favorite songs... was extremely bored, and sorted out about 10 of my most fav, shrunk it down to five. so here are the songs and their lyrics! i recommend to all:)

  1. You do something to me- Paul Weller

You do something to me, something deep inside

I'm hanging on the wire for a love I'll never find

You do something wonderful then chase it all away

Mixing my emotions that throws me back again

Hanging on the wire, I'm waiting for the change

I'm dancing through the fire, just to catch a flame an' feel real again

You do something to me somewhere deep inside

I'm hoping to get close to a peace I cannot find

Dancing through the fire just to catch a flame

Just to get close to, just close enough

To tell you that...You do something to me something deep inside.

2. No Ordinary Morning

If there was nothing that I could say

Turned your back and you just walked away

Leaves me numb inside I think of you

Together is all I knew

We moved too fast but I had no signs

I would try to turn the hands of time

I look to you for the reason why

The love we had passed me by

And as the sun would set you would rise

Fall from the sky into paradise

Is there no light in your heart for me

You've closed your eyes you don't longer see

There were no lies between me and you

You said nothing of what you knew

But there was still something in your eyes

Left me helpless and paralyzed

You could give a million reasons change the world and change the time

Could not give me the secrets of your heart and of your mind

In the darkness that surrounds me now there is no piece of mind

Your careless words undo me, leave the thought of us behind

You could give a million reasons change the world and change the time

Could not give me the secrets of your heart and of your mind

In the darkness that surrounds you now there is no piece of mind

Your careless words undo me, leave the thought of us behind..

3. Too much love will Kill you- Freddy mercury

I'm just the pieces of the man I used to be

Too many bitter tears are raining down on me

I'm far away from home

And I've been facing this alone

For much too long

I feel like no-one ever told the truth to me

About growing up and what a struggle it would be

In my tangled state of mind

I've been looking back to find

Where I went wrong

Too much love will kill you

If you can't make up your mind

Torn between the lover

And the love you leave behind

You're headed for disaster'cos you never read the signs

Too much love will kill you

Every time

I'm just the shadow of the man I used to be

And it seems like there's no way out of this for me

I used to bring you sunshine

Now all I ever do is bring you down

How would it be if you were standing in my shoes

Can't you see that it's impossible to choose

No there's no making sense of it

Every way I go I'm bound to lose

Too much love will kill you

Just as sure as none at all

It'll drain the power that's in you

Make you plead and scream and crawl

And the pain will make you crazy

You're the victim of your crime

Too much love will kill you

Every timeT

oo much love will kill you

It'll make your life a lie

Yes, too much love will kill you

And you won't understand why

You'd give your life, you'd sell your soul

But here it comes again

Too much love will kill you

In the end...In the end.

4. Ain't no Sunshine- Van Morisson

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone.

It's not warm when she's away.

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone

And she's always gone too long anytime she goes away.

Wonder this time where she's gone,

Wonder if she's gone to stay

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone

And this house just ain't no home

anytime she goes away.

And I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,

I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,

I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,

I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know

Hey, I ought to leave the young thing alone,

But ain't no sunshine when she's gone,

only darkness everyday.

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone,

And this house just ain't no home anytime she goes away.

Anytime she goes away.

Anytime she goes away.

Anytime she goes away.

Anytime she goes away.

5. Bigger, Stronger, Faster

I wanna be bigger, stronger, drive a faster car,

To take me anywhere in seconds,

To take me anywhere I wanna go,

And drive around a faster car,

I will settle for nothing less, I will settle for nothing less.

I wanna be big and strong and drive a faster car,

At the touch of a button, I can go anywhere I wanna go,

And drive around my faster car,

I will settle nothing less, I will settle nothing less.

I think I want to change my altitude

I think I want to change my altitude

I think I want to change my atmosphere

I wanna be bigger, stronger, drive a faster car

To take me anywhere in seconds,

To take me anywhere I wanna go,

And drive around my faster car,

I will settle nothing less, I will settle nothing less.

I think I want to change my altitude

I think I want to change my position

I think I want to change my atmosphere

Bigger and better

Bigger and better

Bigger and better

Bigger and better

Bigger, stronger, drive a faster car

At the touch of a button

I'll go anywhere I want to go