Wednesday, March 26, 2008

How do i feel right now? Burdened... dumb... average. And then you'll say, "There's nothing wrong with being average". I feel like just 25% of what Im capable of has come out, and im not just talking about academics. I dont know what it is. Its a nagging thought that refuses to let go of me. Its so irritating, it doesnt let me feel on extremes and move on, but makes me stay in this position untill i shut myself from the world, only to find out the solution was always in front of me.
How do i get myself to bring out the best in me? Why do i want to all of a sudden..? Because i see how fast thigns are moving and i know very soon Im going to be left at the same position i thought i'd always remain comfortable in, and suddenly I'll want to move forward but it will be too late. Why i am being so... negative? I dont know. Because i feel inadequate, because there's something that wants to crawl out of me, but i'm not letting it.
Sigh. I want to sing. I want to prove so much to so many people. I know Im good. Im not an Average singer, but im not the best and hence it'll always remain only a hobby. I know i write well, i know Im not an average writer.... but again, im nowhere near the best, and for some reason i've not been able to find out what Im best at.
Even when i sing, i know i can reach the highest note, i know i can find seconds for the toughest song, but do i put it to use? no. I know im very soft... my voice is not powerful, and that one thing always makes me under-estimate myself. When i write, there's so much i want to say, there's so much more i know... i understand so much more than i can articulate out. Whenever i read anything I've written, i remember how i wanted to elaborate more on something, but i never got on it.
I know i keep saying I've accepted myself the way i am. It has helped me a lot in a way, but i still dont know ME. I know parts of me, but i havent been able to totally define me for the longest time. I hate this long duration of growing up. Will i ever finish? I know i've almost reached there. There's nothing more thats being added, Im just yet the find out SO many more things im capable of... i know there's more to me.
Hopefully one day, in this same blog... I'll be able writing about me. The whole of me, and not just a few parts.