Do i want a relationship? i dont know... this situation is so nerve wracking... i feel amazing about myself, yet i dont. its functioning on extremes. i dont know how to react/ feel.. what to expect what not. Is it better to not be in this situation at all? i dont know.
Can i handle it? yes, but no matter i say, sometimes, i do want certain things. maybe not from a particular person, but i do. i want someone to appreciate the little beauty that i have, i want someone to touch my life in all senses, i want someone who's want to kiss my forehead at first glance. i want someone who knows. who knows me, what its like to be me.. to recognise that there are better people than me in the world, but still accept me with all my flaws, and like me for being or not being certain things...
is it too much to ask? i dont know? am i placing too much faith into certain things? maybe, and only because i have the satisfaction of knowing i can detach backing me up. but maybe, at 19 and having not experiences mutual love/bliss/passion, i know really want it.
Am i upset that every bit of advancement, if you will, in my life is either one sided or just a result or deep deprivation? i guess thats the summary of how i feel. Placing too many expectations, them not working out, feeling bad about it for exactly 4 hours and then not caring about it at all, OTT flirting becoz i want to believe that im worth attention, but actually realising that what i really want is love, from the opposite sex, and knowing that in the current position thats not possible, hence feeing good outside the house with friends backing me up, but feeling terribly weird at home because of a true reality check.
the question is- am i worth this or more? and if i am worth more, why am i being made to wait for so long, and worse, having it so close to me, yet knowing there's only a limit i can move towards and not more than that?
sigh.