Tuesday, March 26, 2013

I must quit you

He walked me to the door, in his bright yellow tshirt. In front of his friends. He kissed me goodbye. I left him after 48 hours of unadulterated indulgence. One that made him "calm" and made me anxious.

Did I know that was fabricated?

"You make me excruciatingly happy"

"I'm not there yet"

"I hate it when you flirt with other guys"

"We'd destroy each other, we're identical"

"Hold me closer. You know you can."

"I don't feel the emotions. This is a bad idea."

"Choose me. Be mine."


I had butterflies 15 minutes before we were going to reach his house.


He ruffled me hair, and hugged me. When no one was looking, he slapped my ass playfully. He look painfully good these days. He's a fairly good looking boy, but off late he's oozing sex.


 I struggle with my words. I'm drunk. I want to tell him how I feel.
 "Shut the fuck up. Don't say another word."

He kissed me. There's always been electricity, but this time it was a fucking overdose. Maybe because I knew his mind.


"You can hold me tighter."

I reach for my hand around his waist and tighten up. In 15 mins, he loosens the grip and turns the other way. I can't sleep because I can't decide whether to reach out and hold him again and let it be.
It's morning.


Karma. I broke their hearts. First in 2004. And then in 2009. and then twice in 2010. Once in 2012, and finally now in 2013. Maybe this is payback?

I don't know really. This isn't a heartbreak. This is just stupid. But must it be like this? Can't one fall hook, line and sinker in love with somebody and have them reciprocate?

I'm scared. I don't want to settle for nice, just because exciting and mind-blasting is fickle and hurts me. And I can't have exciting and mind-blasting.

Perhaps I should stop.

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