Saturday, January 19, 2008

went through old mails today. no points for guessing whose i read first! haha! no seriosuly "haha". first of all, im realllllllllllllyy embarassed of the way i acted in response to him. i was such a bloody kid, in retrospect i know what he means when he said certain things and how i responded to them was totalllyy immature. and then i read this one mail where im all "i love you and i'll never be able to get over you" shit. you know, i realised that i would laugh about this somtime in my life, but i didnt realise it would come so fast. i was just telling aditi this the other day. some times you just want to go up to a 13 or 14 yr old kid whose feeling bad because the guy she likes doesnt like her back or something like that, and tell them that it'll ba okay, that if not soon, maybe 5 yrs later, but u will get over the guy, and finally move on. when you're 14, you can be reallly stubborn about the way you feel. i used to think nobody ever understood the intensity of my infactuation. i thought nobody ever went thru what i did. and i was wrong, so as many other 14-15 yr olds are even now. it is a part of growing up.

infact most of the decisions i made were very immature, i can only thank someone up there for making sure that those decisions didnt have horrific results. im reallly glad about the kind of maturity ive gained, im proud that i acknowlegde the immature decisions. and while the infactuation with M was the biggest thing of my life, i now realise it was majorly a way for growing up and less of an infactuation. ive learnt so many things. and like i've told myself a million times, the only reason it lasted for this long because i never isolated myself from it. and now even thought this isolation wasnt entirely my choice, somebody just loves me up there to make that wonderful choice for me. ive also realised that is absolutely mandatory for a teenager to go through it, because thats the only way they learn. thats how i learnt, and i didnt listen to everyone. im very glad all of it happened. each and every minute of the 6 yrs behind me in Delhi and the years before that in dubai, its amazing to feel yourself grow into such an amzing individual. frankly, yes, i have my feel good and feel bad days, but i know eventually all that dosnt matter. yes, i wish i had gotten more attention in school, but that would have only made me happy for sometimes, the miserable times would have come anyway, so not that it would make too much of a difference anyway. i wish i got more attention now, but what i really want is a man's presence. i dont want to mind games, i dont want to wait for 15 million years before i find out the real feelings. i'd like the simple conventional process, thank you very much.

and again coming to the whole, im 19 and havent seen much thing, im sure there's a lot in store of me in the future, maybe things were meant to be this way, and im acknowledging that i cant handle certain things even now, that im not mature for certain things even now, maybe thats why im being made to wait. maybe im just optimistic and not cranky, but well, i really bellieve someday i will write in this same blog thanking somebody up there that the sequence of my life was certain way and hopefully by then i will realize the reason behind it, the same way today i realised the reason behind the happenings of my adolescent. and even though there is a lot of presuure of being a certain way, whether people acknowlegde it or not, and the fact that sometimes im too hard on myself for acting a certain way is only becoz there are so many people around me who i idolise. but its only time that will make me realise the true defining charecteristic of ME. and im waiting... for the upcoming events, for the future. im waiting for my life to unfold in front of me, because now ive decoded one whole phase. and im ready to let it be and move on to the others!