I never fail to disappoint myself. Its the same old story, I put too much on my shoulders, albeit on the basis of prior success, and i failed to live upto the expectations i created for myself. It really sucks to see yourself do well in something in private and screw up in public. And I can't even be one of those who accept that I'm a particular way.
For example, I've been classically trained for 10 years, I think one of my biggest mistakes was to stop. I've become breathless and my pitch, even though growing with time, is getting softer and softer as the octave goes higher. And I usually don't compare myself with other people, I'm not competitive at all. But I put these high standards for myself and for some reason or the other i never live upto them. I went for a solo today. Backstage my performance was excellent, and for once in my life I wasn't nervous at all, and then I go up on stage. First I forgot the lyrics, but nobody noticed, then i went breathless... THREE times, nobody noticed, which ultimately leads everyone to believe that I'm fussy, but it really sucks to know that you can practice in perfection and you can still never be sure what the fuck happens on stage.
I was apreciated, and no comparison, but i was nowhere close to some of the brilliant singers we have around. I'm not to keen on WINNING, i mean, it'd be great and everything, but I can be as happy if I sing what the song demands out of me, and only win if I deserve. And it irks me bad when I don't sing well, when I know I can do a good job about something. It sucks to be in this constant crisis, to a point where I'm losing out on my sense of identity.
I don't want to pass out, I feel like I'm not suited well for my course, I feel unattractive and pig-like, "not good enough", urgh, i would much rather be horrible than "not good enough" frankly. I hate it, HATE IT. I need something to pull me up. I know what can, and sadly that's not happening anytime soon also, considering I've given up trying. This is not pms, I'm facing a growing out of teen crisis here. Did any of you face it?