Pms-ing.

Bad, sulky mood.

Have put on weight due to diwali.

Am not taking that too well.

Am downright depressed.

Want my jawline-y, over the top hot self back.

Wms not going too well. (western music society)

Pictures not coming out too well.

Stay away.. I bite.

Yeah, yeah, Happy diwali to you all. Let me move on to more exciting stuff. Okay I have too many things to say, so I'm going to bullet point.

• Illumination: So every year, my colony has this rangoli making competition which according to me, is the prettiest thing I've seen my entire life. It's not your usual simple rangoli, we have 4 blocks and each comes up with themes and then contests. But the spirit of it all reflects it when in the evening the entire colony is lit with candles and there's colour everywhere, there are rangoli forms of every god, you can't not feel connected to your roots. The entire day we spend making our respective blocks look aesthetically pleasing and in the evening we dress up, wish everyone a Happy diwali and move on to sit at home and spend time with family. And, there's a reason why the above lines are cliched :D
• Sweets on diwali: I hate sweets. Period. And nothing anybody will say, can convince me to try any of the ghee loaded instruments of cholestrol and obesity. So I had my own diwali sweet equivalent yesterday. I treated myself to my most favorite ice-cream flavour in the entire world- Mint chocolate chip from Baskin and Robbins. Plus, I'm not the "happy diwali" kinda person, far away from being religious... but no matter how indifferent I get, I like the feel of diwali. It feels peaceful and positive.... and that is something, coming from me.
• Small snippets: My sister called me from the US and she said she saw some pictures of me and I've lost "oodles" of weight. These sisters, I tell you :D you're going on perfectly fine, trying to silence your narcissistic side when along comes sister and a rarely seen one, at that, and makes you feel fucking fantastic. And this is a good time for me. This one song has done wonders for me, for some reason. I have evolved. I wouldnt recommend anyone to try it for the reasons I listened to it in the first place, because it's not an inspirational song, but it was personally for me a eureka moment. Try it though, it's fun. Franz Ferdinand- Take me out.

Anyway, on that note... a rather lovely ones at that :) i must remind you that the crackers you burn are at the cost fo young boys' lives. So think before you burn them.. almost makes you a saddist.

Happy diwali!

I just finished watching se7en. I've been catching up on all the movies that I was meant to watch in the dusshera break because I fell ill then, and I've been watching some fantastic movies, at that :D

Anyway, so se7en is about the seven deadly sins, now its a good movie and everything, quite a thinker, but more than that, I was intrigued during the groundwork i was doing for the "before movie" watching.. ( I do that before watching any movie). I was on a wikipedia seach for Dante. I couldnt find any of his works online, but reading up about him, and everything got me thinking. I was discussing this with Best Friend yesterday, although the concept of courtly love is largely patriachal, I'd love to be on the receiving end of it. Ofcourse, speaking in strictly selfish terms, I'd have to aristocratic and the man preferably a knight. And I don't want to replay the "knight in shingin armour thing", just the poetry/sonnet dedication. Like Dante did for Beatrice and Petrarch for Laura.

We did Sidney's "star crossed" love poetry last year in my course. I think I was the only one who understood the deepness of it, and didn't brand it as cliched. See, now Spenser was cliched and a fucking MCP. But Sidney, I think, took advantage of the woman's silence, didn't deliberately silence her... ? Okay, I know, the bunch of them... all men in the 14 th century were patriarchs, but imagine the hotness :D I'd love to have someone recite to me, poetry that was written to worship me, it's my ultimate "heart melting" secret.

I came to a very satisfying conclusion a few days ago, about my torturing self questioning. I realized that i'm wasting my time cribbing over something that eventual and inevitable.. only not coming fast enough. So I've realized that I've got to make the most fo the 3 months I have, before I graduate :(

{I'm not letting myself think about it, I don't want to be a fucking adult, or drive or legally be able to drink. I would rather remain a kid}

See, now, had I been in the 14th century, I'd have been married by now. That sucks.

"Crazy, how it, feels tonight.
Crazy, how you, make it all alright love.
You crush me, with the, things you do
,I do, for you, anything too oh.
Sitting, smoking, feeling high.
And in this, moment, ah, it feels so right.
Lovely lady, I am at your feet,
oh, God I want you so badly.
And I wonder this could tomorrow be so wondrous as you there sleeping.
Lets go, drive til, the morning comes.
And watch the, sunrise, and fill our souls up.
Well drink some, wine till, we get drunk, yes...
It's crazy, I'm thinking, just knowing that the world is round.
I'm here I'm dancing on the ground.
Am I right side up or upside down, and is this real, or am I dreaming?
Lovely lady, let me drink you, please, I wont spill a, drop no, I promise you.
Lying under this spell you cast on me.
Each moment the more, I, love, you.
Crush me, come on.
Oh, yes.
It's crazy, I'm thinking, just knowing that the world is round.
I'm here I'm dancing on the ground.
Am I right side up or upside down?
Is this real, oh lord, or am I dreaming?
Lovely lady, I will treat you sweetly, adore you, I mean, you crush me.
Oh its times like these when my faith I feel.
I know, how, I, love, you. come on, come on, baby.
It's crazy, I'm thinking just as long as you're around.
I'm here I'll be dancing on the ground.
Am I right side up or upside down? To each other, we'll be facing.
My love, my love, we'll beat back the pain we've found.
You know, I mean to tell you all the things I've been thinking, deep inside my friend.
With each moment the more I love you.
Crush me, come on, baby.
So much you have, given love, that I would give you back again and again.
Oh, the love, many now hold you but please, please, just let me, always"

Sigh. I have my answer.
Crush- Dave Matthews Band.
Its like therapy, this song. I know now. I just know.

Oh my god. I love Fight Club. I know I'm a bit late at it, but I love it so much. I didn't quite get the big deal during the first half, but the ending :D :D
These are a few of my favorite dialogues!

• People are always asking me if I know Tyler Durden
• I felt like destroying something beautiful
• If you woke up at a different time, in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?
• With a gun barrel between your teeth, you speak only in vowels.
• Marla Singer: she's like the scratch on the roof of your mouth that would heal if you would just stop tonguing it, but you can't.
• If I had a tumour, I'd name it Marla.
• The things you own, they end up owning you.
• You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking khakis. We are the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.
• Self-improvement is masturbation. Now, self-destruction …
• Our fathers were our models for God. If our fathers bailed, what does that tell you about God?
• You have to consider the possibility that God does not like you. He never wanted you. In all probability, he hates you. This is not the worst thing that can happen. We don't need Him. Fuck damnation, man, fuck redemption! If we are God's unwanted children, so be it!
• [To the Chief of Police] Hi. You're going to call off your rigorous investigation. You're going to publicly state that there is no underground group. Or these guys are going to take your balls. We're going to send one to the New York Times, one to the L.A. Times press-release-style. Look, the people you are after are the people you depend on. We cook your meals, we haul your trash, we connect your calls, we drive your ambulances, we guard you while you sleep. Do not fuck with us.
• You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You are the same decaying organic matter as everything else.
• A condom is the glass slipper of our generation. You slip one on when you meet a stranger. You dance all night. Then, you throw it away … the condom, I mean, not the stranger.
• Pre Movie Warning: "If you are reading this, then this warning is for you. Every word you read of this useless fine print is another second off your life. Don't you have other things to do? Is your life so empty that you honestly can't think of a better way to spend these moments? Or are you so impressed with authority that you give respect and credence to all who claim it? Do you read everything you're supposed to read? Do you think everything you're supposed to think? Buy what you're told you should want? Get out of your apartment. Meet a member of the opposite sex. Stop the excessive shopping and masturbation. Quit your job. Start a fight. Prove you're alive. If you don't claim your humanity, you will become a statistic. You have been warned … Tyler."

Man. I'm stunned. Even Gordimer didn't do this to me.

I was just thinking to myself a while ago. I am in a very good phase right now, am doing fantastic things, I'm meeting fantastic people, re-doscovering myself, and however cliched those few lines may sound, I'm truly in a good phase. The only thing that makes me question my fantastic-ness as I may put it, is the fact that I cannot find someone to be with. Maybe that's also because I don't know what I want. I have options, but I don't take them on. My "want" list is unending and nerve-wracking.

I have a couple of confessions to make, and I need to, so save me the gasps, people. I have been behaving.... a little desperate offlate. My words, actions, thoughts are all pointing towards one direction. I'm always on the lookout. And I know that's not wrong really, and I certainly don't think any low of myself, it's just that I've realised that it might be getting a little overboard. And as I see it, I have only one solution, and unfortunately when that solution will come around is not in my hands. I needed an aloud conversation for me too realise exactly when it was getting a little too much. It seems fine when it is restricted to only close friends, but now I think I need to make a standpoint.

Basically, I'm seeming too desperate for a boyfriend. And I tend to divert the entire issue to my self esteem, which sucks, really, and I need to stop doing that. I'm at a point right now where I'm the copy editor of a very reputed student's newspaper, I'm meeting excellent people, becoming more aware of my fab abilities, learning amazing thigns about myself, and my musical capabilites, am getting extremely mature and on the other hand, getting quite a bit of attention: I get called "pretty" every day almost 10 times, mostly from men. But there's this occasional new person who goes, "ooh, she's pretty", which, I know, is even better. So is it really worth it to beat myself up and question my fantastic-ness just because I don't have a boyfriend. I know to most of you the answer is simple, I guess only pugsie will understand this.

Sigh.

NO. I am happy :D I am.

Eyelids droop down. One of those ennui filled days, one of those days where I wish I were anywhere but here- trapped in this mundane-ness with a deep sense of absolutely nothing. There's a void I can't seem to fill. I know how to, just don't have the means. No solution seems appropriate, exact. I have a million things to do, but can't point at where to start.

Then it plays. I stop what I'm doing. It's as if my body has magically transformed into a svelte, hypnotised mass of movement. The sound of the guitar trasports me into a world far from the nagging voice of my surroundings.

Music.

The melody connects my soul to a world I can't describe with words, but I have the freedom to feel it in my head. The world is red and it is raining. The only sound, is the sound of music, and there's me. I move, move with the melody. He's saying things I cannot comprehend but I know. I know what he means.

"Come feed the rain, 'cause I'm thirsty for your love, dancing underneath the skies of lust, please feed the rain, 'cause without you, my life is nothing but this carnival of rust"

I have the freedom. The freedom to dance, to sing, to move, to transcend into a world that seems magical and enchanting. The only image in my mind is of a body dancing, frivolously moving to the beats and engulping the melody, the music as if it were a breath of air. Fresh air.
The body is me, I am the body. Music takes me places. I can't seem to describe it any further, please don't hold that against me.

The beat reduces, the melody becomes a faint sound.
"Don't walk away, when the word is burning."

Music.
Without music I fall, "where enough is not the same it was before".
With music I have the freedom. The freedom to live, the freedom the exhibit. The freedom to express, to interpret. I have the freedom to be.

It has been the closest to "love" that I've felt... yes, me. Desperately looking for conventional standards of love, because I know there's a reason why they call it amazing. Among all this looking, I choose to ignore what you bring to me. It's undefinable, yet I'm not perturbed.

You'll never know. Or we'll never discuss it.

This is just to remind me, 20 years later, when I have everything I yearn for, that you were the only one who made me smile on days when everybody else could easily, chronologically fall into my "I want to kill" list.

It's been the worst week I've seen. Fluctuating between the worst case of viral fever any human could've seen and the most frustating body-ache, and the nagging thought of having to do 5 assignments. Sigh. I'm feeling a lot better now, but I'm afraid I'll relapse, so I've spent 7 days of my 15 day holiday in one room. I hate the sight of my house now, I almost wish I could magically throw away the lethargy and weakness.

On a more positive note, my parents might go to Chennai for a week in november, and magically, I've convinced to them to let me live on my own. Okay, its going to be tough, because then i will automatically be responsible for which maid comes when, but I get to be alone. That might be as tempting for many people reading this I'm aware, but you've got to understand that for one week, all I've been doing is sleeping, whining and watching tv. And that SUCKS.

In any case, I have a writers block. I can't write more.

p.s- I was called moody today. BIG surprise.