Never thought I'd see this one coming.
Slowly creeping through, and covering every inch of my bodily space. This negativity. I want to stop feeling it, and be all Oprah-like. But meh. Even she's going off air. It's that level of insecurity where you will do anything to jump into another bus of emotions. Cliche, Work-o-holism, Promiscuity, anything.

Faith surely has a burden, eh? I don't want to lose faith. We're all animals but, without faith. I believe, I genuinely believe this is a rut that I will overcome. I believe I have strength to stick by the right choices I made.

I made myself a deal. Will I allow myself to stick to it?

I am picking one brick at a time, those dark red scrunchy bricks, and making a wall around myself. You can jump in if you care enough. The process doesn't slow down for anyone. Well, the bricks are bloody fascinating.

This is a public announcement.
I know I am doing the right thing.

Sometimes I wish It were only easier to express oneself in cliches. There would be a drastic decrease in complication and the pressure would become dispensable.

Let's treat that as an aside.

There's so much more left to say, and I would have proposed it a long time ago had I known the potential has crossed his mind, too. I want to dump this whole situation into my "latest confusing things that donot deserve more than 5 minutes of my time" box, but I keep going back there and collecting it all, trying to fit it into my small tattered pocket.

Today I was telling a friend how the usual delusions that come with intense emotions have ceased to mark their place in my head. I was, am and always will be clear on the state of things.

Let's give neurotic, idealistic and romanticized me a name. How about "Z"?
Z has made itself a small little hut in my heart, knowing that it is in a minority. Every now and then, though, the motherfucker pops it's head out and screams in this shrill voice about how it is never heard and always sidelined. There's no point trying to make it understand about things right and wrong, about convenience and pragmatism. So every now and then, I let it speak it's heart out, and let it have one day of being who it really wants to be. Secretly, I enjoy the feeling.

Tomorrow I will have to get out of the other side of the bed and pretend as if the smile on my face is merely because of the shining sun.

It's about knowing,
even amidst
all exterior doubts and reconstructions
between days when you feel
like you want scoop your heart out
to under-do the ecstasy
and days when you wish
it wasn't the pillow you were hugging at 4 am,
that nothing is different
from the last time you sang the particular song
and the notes haven't changed one bit.
It's like physically making yourself
change the chords of Fur Elise
when the world knows the tune.

It's about knowing,
That every single instance
when the smile is carved
on the beautiful face,
It reminds someone out there
of a flawed reality,
and never once stirs a doubt
of the beauty of the situation
in all it's imperfection.

It's about knowing,
That one can strive to write lines
out of the realm of coherence
and yet,
the raw emotions of the writer
are crystal clear.

Couple of things:

1. How do you refuse to talk to someone on gtalk? I mean it's a free call. So one of my dearest, MOST DEAREST, ( I still miss the boy like crazy) friends tried calling me on the phone and my SIM has given up on me, so the phone's not working. So then he asked me about skype or MSN.
I detest skype. No particular reason. I just don't like the idea of talking to someone while sitting in front of a PC with headphones. Everything has it's own space you know? Maybe this would be different with a laptop. Or this other friend of mine has this cordless phone that her Uncle gifted to her from the US that can be connected to the net and used for Skype calls.
But apart from that, Skype just seems meh. I am not a fan. And I miss the boy like nuts, but we're not the confessing type. Plus he just broke up with the love of his life and I know he needs me. Doesn't make a horrible person if I detest skype, right?

2. I've fallen in love with Death Cab for Cutie all over again. I just finished downloading their discography and it's on of those bands that make you want to listen to all their songs and love all of them and not a selective few. Downloading is such a lovely little word, now that I am at home.

3. I realized my out-of-teen crisis (not that I intend on sounding immature and like a 12 year old) was actually PMS. I am fine, now that the cycle is back on track. Tee hee. I could have used a much better metaphor, and I would, if i knew only women were reading this. For that matter, I'd like to know who all read this in the first place.

4. Just random trivia. Me and Daddy dearest were randomly chatting about last nights match against Australia and the ABSOLUTE SHAME of losing by 3 runs with a score of 348, and we decided to calculate Tendulkar's salary. You will not believe what my cell phone calculator said.

After a couple of multiplications, on hitting the equal to sign, my calculor says: "To large an amount to be calculated"

Before you think this is a joke, let me tell you it's for real. We tried going by the facts that were given in some random magazine that said he earned Rs. 2350 per minute. If somebody's calculator can tell me how much he earns per month, I'll be glad. My calculator refused.

I was called the Crib Queen in school. By a very dear friend. Of course things changed since then, but an inherent need to want to find any platform you get where you complain about how your life is not going the way you planned, exists in most of us, right?

I've always been the recipient, not the creator. I realized this more when I became a literature student a couple of years ago and figured- that is what i wanted to do with my life. And I was willing to sacrifice the one staunch decision I had made because I had some romantic notions of how my life between the ages of 20-30 should be like. I wanted a life, in general. And yet, being where I am right now, knowing exactly why I'm here, I feel unsatisfied. Sometimes I regret taking this step, mostly because I still don't have a purpose, even though this was a secondary choice.

I feel unsatisfied, because no matter what I do, I know I can do better:

1. I could have done better as a full time lit student
2. I could have done better as a professional singer
3. I could have done better with my choir in college
4. I could have done that assignment better
5. I coule have participated in this event better.
6. I could look better.
7. I could have better clothes.
8. I could have done more to not spoil relationships.
9. I could have spoken better here or there
10. I could have written all of this better.

No really, I could go on.

The question is, should I pick up my bags and do something to satisfy myself, no concern of the risk involved or should I shun this as a common human tendency and focus on daily-doings that keep you going?

Eternal questions, I say. Maybe I should have just posted the question.