Monday, May 14, 2007

Ever got up in the morning totally dreamy and dreading what u dreamt of the previous night??? sometimes im forced to believe that somebody up there hates my guts. My life seems to be a total irony at this point. Im doing exactly what i know i shouldnt be doing, and i know if it were so easy to do the right thing there wouldnt be any issues here. But my debate is, if it is the wrong thing after all, why am i destine to be doing it in the first place? Being a firm believer in Destiny, i think every action we do is all a form of Karma and your destiny. Yes, u have to power to change ur destiny, but the basic form of it. So then why do i end up doing exactly what i know is just going to bring me pain??? dreamin about things i never got to do, about a person i should have thrown out of my life years ago.. listening to songs i know will only remind me of it... I dont understand how it can be soooo hard to forget a few things when otherwise, u get to choose what to remember n what not.. life is just not fair, thats the only conclusion i can come to. I had such an amazing weekend, and have had some good times over this period of time but i can only think of two things 1) ahem. well. yes. every single moment and every single thing good or bad. i know its frivolous and this whole thing is so embarassing, even my friends (all of them each and every single one) are sick of hearing about it, but im not sick of thinking about it and 2) how can i get over it, how can i control the way i feel, how can i stop feelin it, dreamin about it, HOW CAN I THROW IT OUT OF MY LIFE AND go get myself an actual life. I've lost count of the times i have firmly told myself that this is the end, that come what may i wont let myself feel that way of do things where i just end up making a fool of myself, but eventually forget it all becoz of some stupid, TRIVIAL thing. And i know im happy. i so am. i'm happy, i have a great life and yes, sometimes reality gets to me, but i get over it. And i can handle pretty much everything, but this. The most confusing thing is im not depressed or any of that. yes it hurts tremendously to see the current state (i.e- "committed") but otherwise im ok. I guess this is a test of time. And im hoping it'll get over, real fast. Im tired of it...