Saturday, May 23, 2009

I want to write how I can feel the difference, how I know that I am going to miss my hometown, and all that comes with it: my friends, my parents, college and a whirlwind of memories, the heat, the winter nights, my orange room, endless memories, endless endless memories... but somehow that emotion isn't coming around in full swing.

It's not a big deal right? Moving to Pune to study for 2 years, isn't a big deal...? It's not like much will change. I'll keep coming back.. one part of me feels this way. And there's this other part that knows once you leave, you never come back to find things the way they are. We're all going to move on. I know what I want from life in the next 5 years, and realistically speaking, none of it entails coming back to having the same atmosphere that was there when i was 20.

I was just telling a friend yesterday how I am always going to be a "Delhi girl". What a delhi girl is, amounts to another post, so moving on.. I realized that this might be the end. I don't know where life will take me after this. I don't know if it's just a 2 year thing.. and even if I return back after 2 years, will things be the same? Do I want to leave all of this behind.. and moreover, do I have a choice?

I mean, I've made my choice right? I know how I keep telling people that I want to live on my own, earn for myself, do my own chores and be independant, in the loosest sense of the word, about how I would love to come home and be by myself for a couple of hours... but that is just another example of believing that the grass in greener on the other side. There are a few people who I know won't leave my side, and a few who I will fight to always have around... what about the other 90 % of my life that has grown around here?

I guess it is inevitable. The reason why I haven't reached the I'm-going-to-miss-every-damn-thing part of this is because I have too many questions swarming in my mind. I just finished packing, and I'm leaving in 3 days. I am excited and ready to live the change, but for the love of me, I am bloody insecure of losing touch with a few really special people. Which again, is normal right? It feels weird to not be able to take everything with me. Ideally, I would love to take everything in a suitcase with me. So I never have to part with any of it.

Yesterday, I had to say my first metaphorical goodbye. It was a weird realization that the particular thing would not happen again for a long long time. I could extract sentiments from the last person i'd expect to miss my company. It was rather overwhelming :) I can't say for sure whether I am going to want to leave any of it behind.. it's probably going to be on my back untill i don't shrug it off as a past burden.

I dont know how to articulate this well enough. And I certainly dont want to frame it in a cheesy way. I'm thinking I'll just leave it at this. It's change, and it's exciting. But what makes me warm is that no matter what happens, memories remain. And that is my security blanket right now.