I want to write how I can feel the difference, how I know that I am going to miss my hometown, and all that comes with it: my friends, my parents, college and a whirlwind of memories, the heat, the winter nights, my orange room, endless memories, endless endless memories... but somehow that emotion isn't coming around in full swing.

It's not a big deal right? Moving to Pune to study for 2 years, isn't a big deal...? It's not like much will change. I'll keep coming back.. one part of me feels this way. And there's this other part that knows once you leave, you never come back to find things the way they are. We're all going to move on. I know what I want from life in the next 5 years, and realistically speaking, none of it entails coming back to having the same atmosphere that was there when i was 20.

I was just telling a friend yesterday how I am always going to be a "Delhi girl". What a delhi girl is, amounts to another post, so moving on.. I realized that this might be the end. I don't know where life will take me after this. I don't know if it's just a 2 year thing.. and even if I return back after 2 years, will things be the same? Do I want to leave all of this behind.. and moreover, do I have a choice?

I mean, I've made my choice right? I know how I keep telling people that I want to live on my own, earn for myself, do my own chores and be independant, in the loosest sense of the word, about how I would love to come home and be by myself for a couple of hours... but that is just another example of believing that the grass in greener on the other side. There are a few people who I know won't leave my side, and a few who I will fight to always have around... what about the other 90 % of my life that has grown around here?

I guess it is inevitable. The reason why I haven't reached the I'm-going-to-miss-every-damn-thing part of this is because I have too many questions swarming in my mind. I just finished packing, and I'm leaving in 3 days. I am excited and ready to live the change, but for the love of me, I am bloody insecure of losing touch with a few really special people. Which again, is normal right? It feels weird to not be able to take everything with me. Ideally, I would love to take everything in a suitcase with me. So I never have to part with any of it.

Yesterday, I had to say my first metaphorical goodbye. It was a weird realization that the particular thing would not happen again for a long long time. I could extract sentiments from the last person i'd expect to miss my company. It was rather overwhelming :) I can't say for sure whether I am going to want to leave any of it behind.. it's probably going to be on my back untill i don't shrug it off as a past burden.

I dont know how to articulate this well enough. And I certainly dont want to frame it in a cheesy way. I'm thinking I'll just leave it at this. It's change, and it's exciting. But what makes me warm is that no matter what happens, memories remain. And that is my security blanket right now.

Oh, it's just bloody unfair.

u
n
f
a
i
r

And all that jazz that is needed to portray that IT IS unfair.

UNFAIR. UNFAIR.

A little bit of this. And a little bit of that.
x from there, y from further there, and z from right in front of me, yet unattainable.

If only there were a way for us to not want. I'm not talking about expectations. Expectations sound a bit more granted. I'm talking about want. Poured right from the ID, no virtues to taint it. Pure, simple Want. Quite the convenient situation it would be to not feel it, right?

Why does one need to take a step? Forward, backward or sideways. Everytime you make a decision, can you be sure it's the one you need? Or is really a decision you're making based on what you want?

And, what's the deal with compromise? Isn't it supposed to make you feel better about your mature self, again?

...

You just have the most wonderful smile, don't you?

Suddenly makes everything seem out of focus.

Everything.

Have you ever stopped to wonder why the idea of a flaw is a negative one?

Can flaws be the binding factor between person to person? Or more so, can the idea of a flaw ever be accepted as a part of a person's personality?

I have often tried to fight away the negative connotations of the idea of a flaw. If a person around me has a flaw, ideally, I would like to accept it as something unique about that person. Now this is ideally. Nobody really follows that. It's easier to be judgmental. But when your own flaws set off to bite you from all corners, what do you do? Change it... because, it's not acceptable? To whom? As long as your flaws are acceptable to you, how does it matter, really?

I know, sometimes these ideas of individually can get a bit stale, but I always mention the word ideally. There a lot of things I would personally like to change about how our minds have been societally conditioned. And I fight classifications, stereotypes and conditioning almost everyday. Not only of the people around me, but mostly the ones I possess. It's the hardest to break your own standards and grow out of them, into new ones.

I just realized that the feeling of endearment is very powerful. When you genuinely care about someone, their flaws become more than acceptable, and you work your away around dealing with them. You strip them off their stereotypes, and love them wholeheartedly. Not unconditionally, always, but the feeling is very powerful nonetheless. And no amounts of cynicism, skepticism or negativity can subvert this. It becomes wise then, to embrace this feeling of being cared about and caring about people: your friends, companions and most importantly those relationships that you tend to question so often.

And in this moment of change, I need to remember for myself, that I have a very solid base, which even if it fades, will always hold it's own by virtue of the memories.

Karma.

Heartbreaks are perceptive, don't you think? It entirely depends on how you choose to see it. But then again, what isn't? If one doesn't wish to see things in a particular way, how much can you force? And how far would you really go to prove a point once you know that there is no point, really. But what is more important is how you define "pointlessness". What is your edge of intensity relating to pointlessness and despair?

How much is one willing to risk? How much can you rely on power: uni-dimensional or interdependent...? Can you help but include an added viewpoint to a certain established fact/notion when you have access to a meta-realization?

Sometimes, you can't help but have a whirlpool of unanswered questions in your head. And as much you possess the answers within your subconscious, articulating it out sometimes gets harder than you imagine.

I know. Does that suffice really?

p.s- The funniest thing: My hair is moody. When I'm being a crankpot, it gets curly and wavy, and when I'm in a good chirpy mood, it gets straight. I swear, I wouldn't make up something as surreal as, being the skeptic that I am. (haha, skeptic, not really, just fashionably questioning really, but whose counting on the technicality?)