today was jmc. somethings are just very unfair, unexplainable, unignorable and unfair. its so unfair that on one hand people admitt that kamala nehru is emerging, and getting so better, yet on the other hand no matter how much we work hard (not that we do, but thats a different issue, we have in the recent past) we're still branded in a particular category. yes we tend to get judgemental abotu certain things and overtly critical over unnecessary things but at the end of the all that matters it personal worth and ive realsied that. even though no matter how much we tell ourselves that our opinion of ourselves matter the most (which is the truth) we want to please the whole world and our slf esteem fluctuates with one compliment or criticism of the outside world.

its unfair that people also assume so many things. im happy that jmc's participation was this much and maybe they earned their reputation. and maybe we're only getting what we deserve. so it all comes down to one thing. i'll have to work harder next year. doubly harder. for one i need to make up for not having adila and neha around and then make up for all the mistakes we've made this yr. ive to also make sure that we dont get branded and small things like making sure we use the synth for all competitions next yr and make a list fop killer songs in the summer vacations to do for solo, duet and group. preparations need to start from the summer vacations only.

is it normal what im doing?? my fluctuating self esteem, my confession spree, and lying spree too. why is it that all my notions and opinions rely on popular acceptances? why do i have such a self worht where i have to depend on others opinion to formulate my own of myself? i already have my opinion. i know what kind of a person i am. im goofy, absent minded, smart, sarcastic, generous, sensitive but brave enough, loyal, attractive enough to feel good about myself and intelligent enough to not have a fluctuating self esteem. yes i have different sides when im with different people. and i know how people feel about me, i know what they thi9nk about me but the more experiences i have and the more mature i get i'll learn to not let people's opinion about me affect me to such an extent.

cliched yes, but i am what i am. and all the people who're around me, my family, my friends etc love me the way i am and dont want me to be a particular way or change and like the fact that im "swetha". yes im bossy, naggy, upfront, blunt, loyal, smart and funny "swetha". neither are my friends jugdmental of me, and the others who are, are precisely why, not my freinds. i have enough faith in me, my creative abilities to not let anybody else's granted yet false opinion affect me n thats true. this is not just some pep talk. some things just need to happen. ive been single for 10 months now, my parents give me a ridiculous curfew, but i know its all happening for the good. i will have my own life someday and get to do and have all i want, i know it. and someday i'll find the person who'll fall for "swetha".. the person, not somebody i will or want to become.
sigh lets hope!
adios!