Thursday, August 16, 2007

okayy, i just wrote the heading n entered.. not that im expecting anyone to read it n go "haaaahaaa, she's pathetic." but well, anyway. we've started practicing n life's just going on. yawn. some people are being horribly hard to figure (read: assholes) and ive had enough of sitting around wondering if it were going anywhere apart from flirting on n off. plus i think i came off too hard.. i think i creeped him out or something.. well i dont know, it wasnt one sided, asshole conveniently talks to me when he wants n doesnt when he doesnt. anyway, goddd im cant believe im so lazy, i dont even want to write/type. there's som much going on in my mind it'd really help if i let it all out but my hands refuse to take the command of my brain.

urrggghh, how do i start? i have soooo many things i want to write about, so many things to scrutinize, so mant things to criticise n to appreciate.. i wish i could write everyday, so i wouldnt have to face this once a fortnight.. sigh. okay i have to get started, let me start with something that happened today. I've just gotten to know this junior in college who i found out lives in the opposite colony as mine so to start off i was super elated that i could finally share an auto with her i wouldnt have to ever step a foot in the stinky bus.. turns out she knows pretty much every single gossip detail of yamuna, she even knows tarun, saudamini etc. n talking to her i told her abt maneesh n her respsone was "why??" :) anyway, the issue is my i-think-is-non-existent-but-it-actually-there inferiority complex with the ppl of yamuna... not that i think im nothing compared to them, its just that so many embarassing things have happened with me here now that im actually veryyy *dont know what word to use*.. n they're all actually very nice ppl.. nice to talk to, i think its just me.. n this is not just in context of the yamuna thing, with everything, if i think that something or somebody is better than me in anyway i know i have this terrible urge to out do them, n sometimes u just cant n so then i develop an inferiority complex n eveyrtime im surrounded by them my only feeling is to bury myself that very place. and the enxt time i have an oppurtunity to do something that i know will impress them i have this smirk on my face which is only noticable to myself. i dont know what to do abt that. it eats me.. i feel like thats all there is to my charecter n i dont have an identity of myself. and my lazy self refuses to let me sit down n think abt this.. i dont even know how to go about this topic becoz i have no solution to it.

anyway, moving on to the other topic.. i felt really patriotic yesterday, n anything remotely patriotic on tc or elsewhere moved me.. but somehow i reallllllyyy want to go abroad to study. i think its less to do with abroad n more to do with living alone, i mean without parents. i know im capable enough to do it, what im scared abt it my emotional dependancy on my mum. i love her tooo much to stay away from her, i can stay away from anyone, my dad, my niece but not my mum. i still want to stay alone, i know i'll get used to it. n i think living in a different country all together makes it so fascinating, i love my country n as of now i would want to come back here to work or maybe not later on because i know for a fact that my materialistic (read: selfish n practical) might just force me to work there if prospects seem better. i dont know, my ieas of fascination seem so weird, i mean i was reading my previous blog n the whole dating thing is still valid.

im yet to find somebody who thinks the way i do, im in noooo hurry to get serious, i dont want a chivalrous-which-means-is-an-MCP kind of a guy, fairly chivalrous n somebody who ideas match with mine but not so much that it just gets boring, sometimes its more fun if both have opposite strong ideas which we're willing to debate about. What i mean is i'd appreciate someone with similar feminist, racist n spritual ideas. n for gods sake not someone who has friends who'll refer to me as "bhabhi" in 2 months of knowing each other. n im in no hurry, even though mum has told me otherwise:) im open to gettin to know guys, u know talking n going out, but i think it'll probly take me time to find someone who i think is worth boyfriend material. n even if it doesnt happen early i reallly dont care, i really dont. I'd be lying if i say i dont miss the presence of a guy in my life but im not willing to screw up my otherwise amazing life just for the presence of a man. im willing to remain single, n the only way i see this status will change is i find someone worthy. okayy i know the last lines were very snobby but well, thats allowed right?

Rahul's coming to delhi on saturday i think. i spent about 2 hours deciding what to wear.. dont get me wrong, im not attracted to him or anything, sure he's my ex boyfriend but i guess over the years we've turned into just good friends, this is just my urge again, u know the impressing urge. ideally i shouldn't care coz he's just a friend but well, when was the world ever ideal? oh wait it was, when i bought converse flip flops:) total bargain n guilty pleasure. i think i need to go figure out this weird thing i have for slippers.

Ive been fairly argumentative lately, not to mention moody. initially i thought it was just PMS but its been going on n on. i dont know, i just guess its becaus eof my surroundings. okay ive taken almost an hour to finish this blog. now that ive finally opened up i just want to write n write. 2nd yr is tough i will admitt n every dya i tell myself this time i want to get a first div n i try to work towards it but my mind in conditioned to being laid back, i'll really have to make an extra effort. i love the content though. i love the shakepeare plays, i loveee to pop fic paper, restoration is okay n marlowe seems tough, but i reallly i really want to work towards jumping from average to above avg or good.

ZEphyr's going good. this yr i want to kick ass n im willing to do anything for it. this yr the kids r fine we have to work on them.. hmm.. i just wrote a scrap to ahem. i dont know what im going to do with the weird random streak of mine. im not impulsive yet very stubborn, i will do things when i want to n i so will do it. n thats were the argumentative part comes in. sometimes i just want to argue for the heck of it. sometimes i just want to od things for the heck of it. i know he's not going to reply. i know it, i was too sarci to him. not that it matters to me, coz if it did i wouldve been pissed wit his behaviour, which i was but i was primarily pissed at his non-confirmism. anyway, i shouldnt expect anything. i was thinking abt our night long conversation though. he seems to be a really ncie guy n if there werent so much to this, so mant complications i wouldve have pursued it further (which i almost always start out with but dont continue wit it, which is good). there we go, he hasnt replied. if i know him he'll probly replty later n something very... um, "him". (i was going to write his name, phew)

anyway, now im going to stop being random, n just go becoz ive written enough though there's still more i want to write n discuss my hands r killing me. i shall try to blog more often. n discuss more issues so i dont have this perrenial urge to write. (have been learnign now words, or atleast trying to)


ha. he replied. sucker.