Every couple of days, I have to remind myself that I am a married woman.
Such heavy words, those. No matter that it has made zero impact to my psyche. :) Maybe it also helps that I possibly have the best husband in the world. (He doesn't read this blog, so no, I am not needlessly buttering).
But this post is not about the good things in life.
This post is about how debilitating your sense of validation and self is, no matter what mental space you are in. It's about how you can have a raging social life (my health will vouch for this), an amazeballs family and generally be considered that wretched hashtag #blessed — but your mind is stubborn and will always rake up insecurities on an unassuming Thursday.
I almost feel bad for how my mind works. There are days when I have to shut down my thoughts.
No good is going to come with this train of thought, i'll tell myself. Stop the pity party, S, i'll say further.
But then something as random as a coworker getting praised, or a late invitation to a party, will get my wall up. Do people not like me?, I will obsess. Am I not doing well enough?
Questions without answers should be banned. Or one should hold the ability to delete the presence of any question in your head if there isn't a conclusive answer in line.
The other day I was watching Girls (slowly becoming my favourite TV show of all time), and in it, a gay character called Elijah (an aspiring actor) was debating whether he should go for a Broadway audition or not. He claimed that he would never have the courage to put himself out there, with the risk that people may laugh at him or his lack of talent.
This is such a genuine concern for me. There has never been a point in my life where i've decided to just "fuck it" and go for it, in the professional space. It's mostly to do with YOLO moments on drunken friday nights.
This is possibly why I had the hardest time telling my boss that I need more money in life. When I finally got the time, I could make no eye contact. I just shot off my mouth like I was asking for a safety pin.
Such a fundamental question to ask, but, when is a good time to not give a fuck and just do whatever the fuck you want in life?
Such heavy words, those. No matter that it has made zero impact to my psyche. :) Maybe it also helps that I possibly have the best husband in the world. (He doesn't read this blog, so no, I am not needlessly buttering).
But this post is not about the good things in life.
This post is about how debilitating your sense of validation and self is, no matter what mental space you are in. It's about how you can have a raging social life (my health will vouch for this), an amazeballs family and generally be considered that wretched hashtag #blessed — but your mind is stubborn and will always rake up insecurities on an unassuming Thursday.
I almost feel bad for how my mind works. There are days when I have to shut down my thoughts.
No good is going to come with this train of thought, i'll tell myself. Stop the pity party, S, i'll say further.
But then something as random as a coworker getting praised, or a late invitation to a party, will get my wall up. Do people not like me?, I will obsess. Am I not doing well enough?
Questions without answers should be banned. Or one should hold the ability to delete the presence of any question in your head if there isn't a conclusive answer in line.
The other day I was watching Girls (slowly becoming my favourite TV show of all time), and in it, a gay character called Elijah (an aspiring actor) was debating whether he should go for a Broadway audition or not. He claimed that he would never have the courage to put himself out there, with the risk that people may laugh at him or his lack of talent.
This is such a genuine concern for me. There has never been a point in my life where i've decided to just "fuck it" and go for it, in the professional space. It's mostly to do with YOLO moments on drunken friday nights.
This is possibly why I had the hardest time telling my boss that I need more money in life. When I finally got the time, I could make no eye contact. I just shot off my mouth like I was asking for a safety pin.
Such a fundamental question to ask, but, when is a good time to not give a fuck and just do whatever the fuck you want in life?
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