I've done this many times.

I've complained about how I absolutely do not have the patience to "reveal" myself the 2500th time, to talk about my quirks, my loaded uncle from Dubai whose phone I used and abused when I was in love for the first time, and my relationship with the brother I never had.

I've talked incessantly about my commitment phobia and how I tend to have this pattern of let's-move-real-fast-at-first-so-I-can-get-bored-of-you-even-quicker. I've expressed the complexities of my low self esteem and how I seek validation by proving that I'm really good in bed/a catch.

I've been in relationships. Some that haven't lasted as long as I wanted, and some that were just breezy and unnecessary.

I've had my share.

You, on the other hand, confound me.

I may not want to fall in love with you. I may not even want to feel like "something's happening".

But I DO want you. I want you in the same way I want a long vacation. Not in Goa, and not a high maintenance Tomorrowland tour, but maybe a short escapade from the city we both live in, where we can explore. And by explore, I really do mean the wide gamut of possibilities that the word poses.

I do want to hear you ramble, and smile at myself for having a conversation with someone who can speak more than I do. It's a scary possibility that I might be the more sorted person between the two of us, but maybe that's a facade? You seem nice, with all your sweeping assumptions and your ability to make one feel comfortable and excited at the same time.

You can be a handful, but so can I. The only difference is you take no time to burden the people around you with your baggage and I measure the ones who can take it. We could meet halfway, I guess. 

I'm pretty sure I sound like I'm counting my chickens before they hatch, but this is me putting my feelings out here. Grab them? I won't lie by pretending to be cool if you don't.
But, I think this should be fun. Let's do it. And, IT could mean anything you and me want it to mean.

Come along. 

Basically, we're all trying to fill a void.
Or atleast I am.

I don't know how far I'm going to walk with this one, and how many times I'll have to look behind and wonder, "what the fuck was that".

But the real question I want to ask me is, "What are you going to once it's full, and you're bored?"

I'm worried for me. I really, really am.

‘What is happening to me’, isn’t exactly the clichéd phrase I had in mind. 

But let’s put it simple and straight – I’m losing my mind. This doesn’t happen often, and it’s mostly a very personal thing. I play this game of snakes and ladders in my head, where the snakes are concepts built up by me, and climbing up a ladder is often 20 times more dramatic than it should be.

And then, in my oversized school-colored-navy sweater when I walk out to face reality on a foggy winter night, I’m hit by my own delusional contrast.

All or Nothing.

Let’s keep All in a corner. But please, please let it not be Nothing.

Mr. Long Locks,

Can I say love-letters are passe? I know I've written my share - which is why this pre-letter disclaimer. This is not a love-letter. This is a letter to commemorate what almost became a love story.

I've been rummaging nostalgia filled nights, with old chats on g talk and re-living what can only be described as warmth. You're so warm, fuzzy and adorable.You made me happy. It's really that simple. It's a pity I didn't see it back then. Ours was a short-lived affair. I won't lie - I underestimated you, us. Perhaps I hoped for too much, and couldn't see the present and what it was already offering to me. Perhaps I wasn't looking for warm and fuzzy. Besides, you led me to the love of my life, so I don't particularly have any regrets.

I'll tell you what's a pity though. Knowing this could have turned into something beautiful, and deliberately letting it slip through my fingers - although I know I put an end to things, not you. Mostly the fact that I found an intense, mind-blasting love, surpassed any and everything else in front of me. And we weren't love yet. We were a ball of special conversations, comfort and smiles.

I miss you. Not for any other reason but that there will always be a wall in front of us. Nice to know you are happy, settled and in love. I wish you even more than the best.

But sometimes, I wonder why we didn't fall in love, but I don't really have an answer. Don't get me wrong, I don't wish that we get back together. I have moved on, and I am happy by myself, with a rug-sack of amazing memories from the past year and a half. And I know you're happy with your current life. I just wish we had the liberty to be what we were?

Not very long ago, I had compared you to the idea of a chocolate cake. Comforting, moist and just plain lovely. You will always live in my heart as that metaphor.

Love,
Me.