And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
Was the hardest part
And the strangest thing
Was waiting for that bell to ring
It was the strangest start
I could feel it go down
Bittersweet, I could taste in my mouth
Silver lining the cloud
I wish that I could work it out
And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
You really broke my heart
And I tried to sing
But I couldn’t think of anything
And that was the hardest part
I could feel it go down
You left the sweetest taste in my mouth
You're a silver lining the clouds
I wonder what it’s all about
I wonder what it’s all about
Everything I know is wrong
Everything I do, it's just comes undone
And everything is torn apart



The beauty of this song is, even though the lyrics are... sad, the song is very positive. And thats what i am, right now. I did Through the looking Glass nicely, and i feel like a "good girl".. still royally screwed, but Im okay. I'm fine

(name) is Online.
Available.

Urghhhhhhhhhh. I wonder if there's someone out there who fights with themselves and debates with themsleves about making damn conversation.

AnywayS. Hahaha.

Moving on... Im glad Aditi's in this position now, and i can help her in the best possible way, around her, i feel like such a big sister :) Its so weird, how you're a different person around different people. I know thats reallllly old, but you know, it strikes you like aise hi... and it suddenly makes much more sense to you on one day than the other...

Okay, enough now. fingers being a piss off. need to read up on As You Like It.

How do i feel right now? Burdened... dumb... average. And then you'll say, "There's nothing wrong with being average". I feel like just 25% of what Im capable of has come out, and im not just talking about academics. I dont know what it is. Its a nagging thought that refuses to let go of me. Its so irritating, it doesnt let me feel on extremes and move on, but makes me stay in this position untill i shut myself from the world, only to find out the solution was always in front of me.
How do i get myself to bring out the best in me? Why do i want to all of a sudden..? Because i see how fast thigns are moving and i know very soon Im going to be left at the same position i thought i'd always remain comfortable in, and suddenly I'll want to move forward but it will be too late. Why i am being so... negative? I dont know. Because i feel inadequate, because there's something that wants to crawl out of me, but i'm not letting it.
Sigh. I want to sing. I want to prove so much to so many people. I know Im good. Im not an Average singer, but im not the best and hence it'll always remain only a hobby. I know i write well, i know Im not an average writer.... but again, im nowhere near the best, and for some reason i've not been able to find out what Im best at.
Even when i sing, i know i can reach the highest note, i know i can find seconds for the toughest song, but do i put it to use? no. I know im very soft... my voice is not powerful, and that one thing always makes me under-estimate myself. When i write, there's so much i want to say, there's so much more i know... i understand so much more than i can articulate out. Whenever i read anything I've written, i remember how i wanted to elaborate more on something, but i never got on it.
I know i keep saying I've accepted myself the way i am. It has helped me a lot in a way, but i still dont know ME. I know parts of me, but i havent been able to totally define me for the longest time. I hate this long duration of growing up. Will i ever finish? I know i've almost reached there. There's nothing more thats being added, Im just yet the find out SO many more things im capable of... i know there's more to me.
Hopefully one day, in this same blog... I'll be able writing about me. The whole of me, and not just a few parts.

Sometimes.... you're left with so much awe... you cant express it. With words or actions. Dont get me wrong, its the kind of awe I can only sit back and enjoy, I dont want to become anything or anybody.... I'm just so amazed at how everything that i've felt at one point in my life, i have someoone fortunately, around me to vocalize it... and well :)

Right now, Im very secure about what i am, and what i want to be. What scares me sometimes is the more i think I've grown up enough, i realize that there's so much more growing up i need to do. I dont want to become like anyone here, but i look up to so many different things about so many different people that Im scared about loosing myself somewhere in between there. I love me, i sincerely do. But there's so much more i want to be. And at times i know i cant vocalise all of that, yes i love that flawed part of me too, but sometimes it irritates the shit outta me.

I love how Saumia can talk to anybody, and make everyone's problems hers. I love how she knows how to handle things deep inside, and is very smart inspite of the dumb days she thinks she has and is so warm inspite of knowing the good in her :) I absolutely need to boast about the smallest thing i know is good about me! I love how Swati is so practical and in control of how she feels, it amazes me to see how amazingly simple she is, how the smallest things make her happy while Im whining about the whole world. I love her approach, i really wish i could imbibe it. I love how Street smart Anu is, i love how she can get her work done under any circumstance, i love her dedication and how observant she is. I love the r'ship we share, i've never had that with anyone, and i loooove it!

I love Aditi, period. I cant explain it, and what i like about our r'ship... she's like me sister, i dont need to prove the love, i dont need reassurances, i dont need to keep in touch. She's going to be there, period. What do i say about Aneesa? I've always wanted to be like her.. i've always wanted her advice. I've loved her opinions, i love how she's so warm and amazing, and when one needs to, she'll admitt that she made a mistake...
Shruti... :) she's the reason behind many of my realizations. She literally makes me think. About events in my life and others. Leaving aside the fact that i look upto her, the thing love about her the most is how non-judgemental she is. On one hand you see her opinionated side and on the toher you have her accepting side. Like i've told so many people before... she's me, only 6 years later.
Maneesh.. all i will say is, he's now more a Teacher than anything. I've learnt too many things about life and me from him to term our (non-existent) relationship with anything more or less.

These are the inspirations in my life. Fortunately, most are my best friends! yes, probing on the realization that i have a lot of growing up to do... i also love one more (can you believe?:) thing about me... my realizations come from within... i always know. The trick is how fast i choose to implement it. And this time, i've already started.

I just realized... i dont title my posts.

Im in a veryyy weird yet not so weird mood. Definitely high on self esteem, but clueless about the future. Is it possible to love yourself this much?? I mean, its just making me doubt this phase a little bit. I can understand feeling ugly for long intervals of time, but loving yourself?? Thats new, for me atleast!

Okay, how'd you feel when all the guys you've fancied and gone out with turn out to be "good guys"... considering you dated or liked them coz they weren't perfect and flawed and the quintessential "bad boy"??
I dont like how *unmentionable people* are acting sweet and nice. Urgh, its pissing me off a little, i mean COME on, where's the darn charm??

Whats with me and bad boys? Friends would like to believe its an esteem problem as usual, crap about how i dont think i deserve nice guys... i do, and i know! And Im so single, I'd date anybody with a Brain :D And sexi-plexi isnt helping...neither is "mad about you" :D

Yep, Ive also conveniently forgotten about the exams. Oh, and yes, today is Holi. Yawn. I dont like Holi? Whats so great about getting messy and icky? Thats no way to celebrate! Anyway, I've never been to fond of Diwali, Holi etc.

I know... i know. Im a bitch when in a good mood. An opinionated, mean, cynical Bitch. But BUT, Im still sooooooooooooooooooooo happy for Aditi. I love its finally happening for her. And with somebody who's decent for once. And has a brain :D

Have got to go stuff my face into Rover. Behn's pissing off. Anyway, song of the day :D:D recommended to all those people who are in a make-out-ish happy mood :D

Jack Johnson- Sexi Plexi

Sexy sexy made up of plexi disaster
Pushing and pulling conservative rolling
Unlike plastic, easier to see through
Just like glass with no ring
Softer and sadder you sing
Sexy sexy do your thing
Learn to be shy and then you can sting
Plexi, plexi bend don't shatter
Once you're broken shame won't matter
You're breaking your mind
By killing the time it gives you
but you can't blame the time
Cause it's only in your mind
Quickly, quickly go and then you'll know
It's such an awkward show to see
And everyone you wanted to know
And everyone you wanted to meet
Have all gone away
yah they've all gone away
And then you're
Breaking your mind
By killing the time it gives you
Cause you can't blame the time
Cause it's only in your mind
You're breaking your mind

p.s- Almost makes me want to get my lazy ass of the bed and tune my guitar :D
seeeeeeeeeeee ya!