The tidal wave into adulthood

The other day I was having a conversation with my mom, and she told me something I think I would like to get tattooed on me. (Not really, this is just me trying to reinforce the importance of that phrase)

"You have to learn how to be on your own, and love your company, beta," she said. And coming from her, it made so much sense. I have much to learn from her calm.

I won't lie. Life itself feels a bit like a break up. And it's so typical of me to stall my emotions with any kind of external stimuli, until it slaps me in the face. Some will call this a phase (most loved ones usually do) but there's a nagging voice inside me that is draws out the bitter truths of life with a squeaky white chalk on a black board.

This year has been great, actually. It has moulded me into the person I see myself being for the next couple of years. There has been change, yes, massive change inside me and around me, and it has poked holes into my core, drenched to dry. But change is inevitable, no? I guess that was a concept that took time for me to understand.

But beyond all this contemplative sadness, 2015 has been good. Amid all this change I've managed to identify and retain my few constants and I've kept them in a loosely bolted, treasure box in my heart. I tread every relationship with caution now, but I'm thankful for the unconditional flow of love. I'm thankful to have understood the true meaning of friendship, companionship and responsibility. I'm thankful that I can atleast attempt to let bygones be bygones. I'm getting there. I'm climbing to my ideal place.

Being 27 is tough. And the fact that I'm writing a straightforward journal entry should be proof enough. I've had to grapple with a massive writer's block too, but it's all good. I genuinely believe everything happens for a good reason. And on that note, I'm officially letting go.

It's tough to remind yourself of the good things in life when you are perennially trying to deduce, understand and analyze change. So just don't. Take your time. Grieve. Understand, and put a bolt on what you can't understand. There will be loads of those, I've learnt. And soon there will be a day when those emotions won't have just evaporated, but you will learn to coexist with them, without completely losing your mind.

I think I'm being a bit dramatic. 2015 has been quite great. It's been a year of life lessons, and even though there are 3 months left to go, I am done. When this year is over, I want to look back at it being the tidal tsunami of my life. That bungee jump into adulthood. There's no looking back. There's more to be done, and less to be thought of. More life events, and less cognitive whirlpools. More pride, less skepticism.

I know what I want, and I have to run after it. Metaphorically and otherwise :)

 

I'm worried about how much I'm (not) writing.

It's getting increasingly difficult to call myself a writer now, and i'm being forced to use to 'j' word.

It's the complacency and the unending questioning of every boundary that I myself built (I blame education and therefore subscribe to those charming write ups on the lines of 'date an uneducated girl')

It's too much ambition, but too less moving of one's ass.

It's too much FOMO, too much nostalgia and too little focus on the present.

It's not enough confidence. It's not enough 'go-with-the-flow'.

I want to write letters to so many people, and post it to them via snail mail so they can see my handwriting and perhaps develop a bit of a bias towards me. Also because most of those letters would probably be explainers. I have lots to explain, and lots to decifer, but not enough audience. Wonder why..

Basically, universe, could I just wake up tomorrow having lost 10 kilos? (among other things)

Thanks.

Thank you, N

He reminds me of scrappy doo.

Like a little puppy with all the might in the world. He's ticklish near his neck. He gets lost in a car, looking out at the wonderful sights that he is working very hard to process. He'd be happy with the basic four things: Food, sex, sleep and play. Like literally. Give him a ball, or a bat, and one can leave him alone for hours.

Off late i've realized that a lot of posts are about him. It could be for various reasons. a) I never imagined I'd be one to be in a relationship of equals. b) With someone practically 12 days older to me. c) Never thought HE would become my best friend, but he is. d) This is officially the longest I have been with someone.

I want to say he's the love of my life, and/or that I've never felt this way before and that this is for life -- but all of it is cliche.

What I really want to say is that he is my virtual, emotional and physical home. Thank you, universe. 

It's time

Remembering, deleting.
Erasing, re-composing.


Letting go,
Letting in,
building a wall,
whirlpooing.

Words. Words are all I have to be cryptic about. Words are all I have and yet I can't say what's on my mind. Why? Because you'll never get it. I can't say I tried, but I can't say I didn't.

But words are what I want to convey to you. Words are what I want to make you see what you're so conviniently delusional about.

You'll open your eyes someday. Or maybe I hope you will.

My hope may be delusional too, but my feelings are real. I can sleep at night.

It's my battle to fight. It's my heart to protect.

And I have no choice but to let go.

And I have no choice but to erase, because I want to continue sleeping at night.