The smile she wears
is of distant memories,
of tumbling futures
which, when cant keep pace
with her disenchanting thoughts
like water in a cauldron,
collapse into a fragile present.
She flips the hair, and bursts with
dialogue, and over coffee-steam
and forgotten dreams
carefully and playfully traces her path.
And yet, like a robin in spring
that first announces joy only to disappear
into the vastness and barren that is summer
changes colour of her eye as you talk.
Into the words that are poured
into her core of pure, magic resonanceas
if untainted and imploring,
you realise, she's already moved onto
more fragile presents and tumbling futures.
a friend wrote this for me. i cant tell you how i feel. i myself dont know. it seems like i cant understand what she's saying and yet it seems as if i know exactly what she means. in ways.
i dont know. was just telling saumia how we dont really need a presence of the opposite sex to make us feel better, but we dont mind it exactly do we:) now im really looking forward to it. but im also SICK. so sick and tired of the bloody mind games. i'd really appreciate somenoe straightforward now. n not now NOW. but yes, whenever. urgh i sound like some horny little creep. i dont want a boyfriend.. i dont want a relationship. i want some male attention please. can anyone hear this?
urghh. bleh. poof. poop.
adios.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Sunday, January 13, 2008
so i went on a show that discussed blogging.. and untill i went on the show.. i didnt realise... nothing damn it. what is the big deal? is my blog being read write now? are people pointing fingers at the things i say or the things i do? do i care?? sometimes i think my blogs are too self obsessive... im not the blog "that made an impact" and im not the blog behind the upcoming famous writer but i am the voice... of me. hahah.
okay fa-ine. im not in for this shit. i cant write serious when im not in a serious mood. the bottom line of the stupid debate on whether the blogs should be regulated or not.. is not. just let them/us be ya. isnt everyone entitled to their opinions, and theres not better way than to write about them in a blog, it gives you a mighty sense of assertion, i'll say.
anyway, moving on the better topics, got a fringe! yay! oh my god, im so self obsessive. ever since i went on that show, i cant seem to forget that there could people out there who're readin your blog write now. *sod off ugly uncle/ irritating child*
exams are still going on... the mains are over though. i cant wait to fucking graduate. in the sense get out of delhi. i love college and i love delhi but ive had enough of staying with parents. its time i moved out, really. so many things ive wanted to say, do, experience and im already fucking 19. so there. its time really. REALLY.
reading some interesting blogs. what im actually thinking is when im going to find somebody to bloody flirt with... its been almost a year now. my life is so sad, sooo sad. its lifeless, dull, self- obsessive, whiny and sad. i really need a life. really. i also need male attention. donot want a boyfriend now. want the process that gets you to a boyfriend. let me go over the process. please excuse the dull, boring example.. its sadly only what my imagination is capable of now, considering im very realistic and keen on it happening soon.
day 1:
Z(female) walks into a public library. wait.. public library really? okay. i'l settle with public libray. anyway, moving on. Z moves to the literature section on a serious attempt to find good sources for her assignment. also because she's sworn to herself that she'll do well this year because there are her future aspirations attached to it. so she reaches the required section and seriously for once searches for stuff on Milton, Marlowe and Behn. no shakepeare, Z's sick of him! she then hears somebody playing a song she really loves but cant remember. so usually being a very erm, not-shy-but-very-low-on-self-esteem-hence-doesnt-initiate-conversation-with-the-opposite-sex kind of person, she hesitaes for a bit. then she decides that its no big deal and decides that if he hence makes a big deal of just an innocent question, he is a jerk. she then notices that he's cute. and plays the guitar well. (tick mark 2 requirements.. tee hee) she goes up to him after he's done playing. her stomach rumbling.
Z: excuse me?
cute guitar boy: mm hmm? *looks up*
*omg! nice face*
Z: i was wondering if you'd tell me the song you were playing.. i know it but i cant seem to remember the name.
*"i was wondering"...? WTF?*
CGB: oh thats "road trippin" by RHCP. you've heard the song?
Z: oh right! yes ofcourse i've heard the song.
*you think im not capable of hearig the song?? do i care???? urgghghh*
CGB: erm, okay.
Z: mmmm.
(stands there awkwardly)
Z: so you play here everyday? erm, i mean do they pay you to play or something?
*OMG!OMFG! why'd i have to ask such a stupid question*
actually, thats none of my business!
CGB: no thats ok! yea, my uncle works here so he asked me to play here so i could earn some extra bucks.. im actually on vacation.. just finished my graduation.
Z: oh great! you know actually, im from the western music society of (college name inserted here) and we really need a guitarist.. so if you're on vacation and all, you mind playing for us sometime whenever your free and all. infact we have a competition next week and we need a guitarist.. are you free?
CGB: infact, i am. what are you doing? i mean which song?
Z: i dont know that yet, a few other people are singing solos and duets, n we dont need a guitarist for the group category. so i'll let you know. can you play then?
CGB: yea.. i think i can.. infact take my-
Z: ...listen dont worry about the remuneration. our college will provide you that.
*WTF! he was giving me his number. im so stupid!!!*
CGB: no no, thats not a problem, its a college thing im sure i'd've gotten paid... *laughs*
Z: *smiles* okayy... im embarrassed now!
*give me your phone number dammit*
CGB: not at all. its okay! i think you'll need my number to contact me though....
*awkwardness*
Z: ya! give!
CGB: 98--------
Z: okay got it. erm, your name? *giggles*
CGB: (lets say his name is Y) Y. you?
Z: im Z. nice meetng you, Y.
Y: pleasure's mine, Z. *he winks*
Z: ditto.
*OMG!OMFG! he winked!*
*stop acting like a bloody school girl!*
he walks away. so does Z. end of day 1.
keep reading for further developments!
wow, this thing lifted my spirits ya!
ADIOS!
okay fa-ine. im not in for this shit. i cant write serious when im not in a serious mood. the bottom line of the stupid debate on whether the blogs should be regulated or not.. is not. just let them/us be ya. isnt everyone entitled to their opinions, and theres not better way than to write about them in a blog, it gives you a mighty sense of assertion, i'll say.
anyway, moving on the better topics, got a fringe! yay! oh my god, im so self obsessive. ever since i went on that show, i cant seem to forget that there could people out there who're readin your blog write now. *sod off ugly uncle/ irritating child*
exams are still going on... the mains are over though. i cant wait to fucking graduate. in the sense get out of delhi. i love college and i love delhi but ive had enough of staying with parents. its time i moved out, really. so many things ive wanted to say, do, experience and im already fucking 19. so there. its time really. REALLY.
reading some interesting blogs. what im actually thinking is when im going to find somebody to bloody flirt with... its been almost a year now. my life is so sad, sooo sad. its lifeless, dull, self- obsessive, whiny and sad. i really need a life. really. i also need male attention. donot want a boyfriend now. want the process that gets you to a boyfriend. let me go over the process. please excuse the dull, boring example.. its sadly only what my imagination is capable of now, considering im very realistic and keen on it happening soon.
day 1:
Z(female) walks into a public library. wait.. public library really? okay. i'l settle with public libray. anyway, moving on. Z moves to the literature section on a serious attempt to find good sources for her assignment. also because she's sworn to herself that she'll do well this year because there are her future aspirations attached to it. so she reaches the required section and seriously for once searches for stuff on Milton, Marlowe and Behn. no shakepeare, Z's sick of him! she then hears somebody playing a song she really loves but cant remember. so usually being a very erm, not-shy-but-very-low-on-self-esteem-hence-doesnt-initiate-conversation-with-the-opposite-sex kind of person, she hesitaes for a bit. then she decides that its no big deal and decides that if he hence makes a big deal of just an innocent question, he is a jerk. she then notices that he's cute. and plays the guitar well. (tick mark 2 requirements.. tee hee) she goes up to him after he's done playing. her stomach rumbling.
Z: excuse me?
cute guitar boy: mm hmm? *looks up*
*omg! nice face*
Z: i was wondering if you'd tell me the song you were playing.. i know it but i cant seem to remember the name.
*"i was wondering"...? WTF?*
CGB: oh thats "road trippin" by RHCP. you've heard the song?
Z: oh right! yes ofcourse i've heard the song.
*you think im not capable of hearig the song?? do i care???? urgghghh*
CGB: erm, okay.
Z: mmmm.
(stands there awkwardly)
Z: so you play here everyday? erm, i mean do they pay you to play or something?
*OMG!OMFG! why'd i have to ask such a stupid question*
actually, thats none of my business!
CGB: no thats ok! yea, my uncle works here so he asked me to play here so i could earn some extra bucks.. im actually on vacation.. just finished my graduation.
Z: oh great! you know actually, im from the western music society of (college name inserted here) and we really need a guitarist.. so if you're on vacation and all, you mind playing for us sometime whenever your free and all. infact we have a competition next week and we need a guitarist.. are you free?
CGB: infact, i am. what are you doing? i mean which song?
Z: i dont know that yet, a few other people are singing solos and duets, n we dont need a guitarist for the group category. so i'll let you know. can you play then?
CGB: yea.. i think i can.. infact take my-
Z: ...listen dont worry about the remuneration. our college will provide you that.
*WTF! he was giving me his number. im so stupid!!!*
CGB: no no, thats not a problem, its a college thing im sure i'd've gotten paid... *laughs*
Z: *smiles* okayy... im embarrassed now!
*give me your phone number dammit*
CGB: not at all. its okay! i think you'll need my number to contact me though....
*awkwardness*
Z: ya! give!
CGB: 98--------
Z: okay got it. erm, your name? *giggles*
CGB: (lets say his name is Y) Y. you?
Z: im Z. nice meetng you, Y.
Y: pleasure's mine, Z. *he winks*
Z: ditto.
*OMG!OMFG! he winked!*
*stop acting like a bloody school girl!*
he walks away. so does Z. end of day 1.
keep reading for further developments!
wow, this thing lifted my spirits ya!
ADIOS!
Saturday, January 12, 2008
put music player on shuffle.. do not skip!
how do you feel right now? beautiful- christina aguilera
what did you dream about last nite? my love- justin timberlake
what song will you have at your funeral? bohemian rhapsody- queen
what song reminds you of the person you like atm? she fucking hates me- POD( and vice versa)
what song describes your parents? with arsm wide open- creed
what song is about your love life? too much love will kill you- freddy mercury
what best describes your friends?? thats what friends are for- elton john and hakuna matata
what best describes your workmates? dard e disco.. ahaha
what song will you play at your wedding? my girl- temptations when i walk on the aisle and the way u look tonight when i dance with him ( the first christian wedding i have followed by a hugeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee gujarati wedding)
describe yout first kiss: alive- pearl jam.. tee hee!
what do you want for christmas? kiss from a rose- seal
what song describes the day you had today? 2 hearts- kylie minogue
what song describes your future?? where are you going- dave mathews for the love life and if i hade it all- dave matthews when you believe- mariah and whitney in general.
what is your favourit thing to do ? DARD E DISCO BABY!
who do you love? hooverphonic- mad about you.
what do you feel like doing right now? sexy back- justin.
what are your plans for the weekend? i want to break free- queen
what is the worst way to spend the day? wishing on a star- paul weller
what do you wish you could change? chasing cars- snow patrol
what song describes the person you last spoke to on msn? gimme more- britnaaaaay (spoke to shruti:) hahaha the lyrics as as follows: gimmeh gimmeh mooooooore gimmehn more:)
what is your secret desire? chasing cars- snow patrol and when you say you love me- josh groban.
who are you? hahahahahaha. in her eyes- josh groban. (im not an angel, im not a hero.. im just a maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan) okay fine! imagine- john lennon
what did you think about school? jailhouse rock- elvis!
where do you wish you were? brian mcknight- home
what are you hungry for? unchained melody- u2
what are you thinking about? lovestonned- justin
who is thinking about you? matchbox twenty- story of a girl
what is your favourite song ever? aint no sunshine- van morisson.
its fun to.. : dard e diso baby!!
what are you going to call this survey? sitting waiting wishing- john jackson
alalalala! im pretty and amazing! guys should be falling over me!
lalalalal!
good day, exams going horrible.. need to study hard after this for mains!
am in love with myself today!
lalala!
Adios!
how do you feel right now? beautiful- christina aguilera
what did you dream about last nite? my love- justin timberlake
what song will you have at your funeral? bohemian rhapsody- queen
what song reminds you of the person you like atm? she fucking hates me- POD( and vice versa)
what song describes your parents? with arsm wide open- creed
what song is about your love life? too much love will kill you- freddy mercury
what best describes your friends?? thats what friends are for- elton john and hakuna matata
what best describes your workmates? dard e disco.. ahaha
what song will you play at your wedding? my girl- temptations when i walk on the aisle and the way u look tonight when i dance with him ( the first christian wedding i have followed by a hugeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee gujarati wedding)
describe yout first kiss: alive- pearl jam.. tee hee!
what do you want for christmas? kiss from a rose- seal
what song describes the day you had today? 2 hearts- kylie minogue
what song describes your future?? where are you going- dave mathews for the love life and if i hade it all- dave matthews when you believe- mariah and whitney in general.
what is your favourit thing to do ? DARD E DISCO BABY!
who do you love? hooverphonic- mad about you.
what do you feel like doing right now? sexy back- justin.
what are your plans for the weekend? i want to break free- queen
what is the worst way to spend the day? wishing on a star- paul weller
what do you wish you could change? chasing cars- snow patrol
what song describes the person you last spoke to on msn? gimme more- britnaaaaay (spoke to shruti:) hahaha the lyrics as as follows: gimmeh gimmeh mooooooore gimmehn more:)
what is your secret desire? chasing cars- snow patrol and when you say you love me- josh groban.
who are you? hahahahahaha. in her eyes- josh groban. (im not an angel, im not a hero.. im just a maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan) okay fine! imagine- john lennon
what did you think about school? jailhouse rock- elvis!
where do you wish you were? brian mcknight- home
what are you hungry for? unchained melody- u2
what are you thinking about? lovestonned- justin
who is thinking about you? matchbox twenty- story of a girl
what is your favourite song ever? aint no sunshine- van morisson.
its fun to.. : dard e diso baby!!
what are you going to call this survey? sitting waiting wishing- john jackson
alalalala! im pretty and amazing! guys should be falling over me!
lalalalal!
good day, exams going horrible.. need to study hard after this for mains!
am in love with myself today!
lalala!
Adios!
Thursday, December 6, 2007
today was jmc. somethings are just very unfair, unexplainable, unignorable and unfair. its so unfair that on one hand people admitt that kamala nehru is emerging, and getting so better, yet on the other hand no matter how much we work hard (not that we do, but thats a different issue, we have in the recent past) we're still branded in a particular category. yes we tend to get judgemental abotu certain things and overtly critical over unnecessary things but at the end of the all that matters it personal worth and ive realsied that. even though no matter how much we tell ourselves that our opinion of ourselves matter the most (which is the truth) we want to please the whole world and our slf esteem fluctuates with one compliment or criticism of the outside world.
its unfair that people also assume so many things. im happy that jmc's participation was this much and maybe they earned their reputation. and maybe we're only getting what we deserve. so it all comes down to one thing. i'll have to work harder next year. doubly harder. for one i need to make up for not having adila and neha around and then make up for all the mistakes we've made this yr. ive to also make sure that we dont get branded and small things like making sure we use the synth for all competitions next yr and make a list fop killer songs in the summer vacations to do for solo, duet and group. preparations need to start from the summer vacations only.
is it normal what im doing?? my fluctuating self esteem, my confession spree, and lying spree too. why is it that all my notions and opinions rely on popular acceptances? why do i have such a self worht where i have to depend on others opinion to formulate my own of myself? i already have my opinion. i know what kind of a person i am. im goofy, absent minded, smart, sarcastic, generous, sensitive but brave enough, loyal, attractive enough to feel good about myself and intelligent enough to not have a fluctuating self esteem. yes i have different sides when im with different people. and i know how people feel about me, i know what they thi9nk about me but the more experiences i have and the more mature i get i'll learn to not let people's opinion about me affect me to such an extent.
cliched yes, but i am what i am. and all the people who're around me, my family, my friends etc love me the way i am and dont want me to be a particular way or change and like the fact that im "swetha". yes im bossy, naggy, upfront, blunt, loyal, smart and funny "swetha". neither are my friends jugdmental of me, and the others who are, are precisely why, not my freinds. i have enough faith in me, my creative abilities to not let anybody else's granted yet false opinion affect me n thats true. this is not just some pep talk. some things just need to happen. ive been single for 10 months now, my parents give me a ridiculous curfew, but i know its all happening for the good. i will have my own life someday and get to do and have all i want, i know it. and someday i'll find the person who'll fall for "swetha".. the person, not somebody i will or want to become.
sigh lets hope!
adios!
its unfair that people also assume so many things. im happy that jmc's participation was this much and maybe they earned their reputation. and maybe we're only getting what we deserve. so it all comes down to one thing. i'll have to work harder next year. doubly harder. for one i need to make up for not having adila and neha around and then make up for all the mistakes we've made this yr. ive to also make sure that we dont get branded and small things like making sure we use the synth for all competitions next yr and make a list fop killer songs in the summer vacations to do for solo, duet and group. preparations need to start from the summer vacations only.
is it normal what im doing?? my fluctuating self esteem, my confession spree, and lying spree too. why is it that all my notions and opinions rely on popular acceptances? why do i have such a self worht where i have to depend on others opinion to formulate my own of myself? i already have my opinion. i know what kind of a person i am. im goofy, absent minded, smart, sarcastic, generous, sensitive but brave enough, loyal, attractive enough to feel good about myself and intelligent enough to not have a fluctuating self esteem. yes i have different sides when im with different people. and i know how people feel about me, i know what they thi9nk about me but the more experiences i have and the more mature i get i'll learn to not let people's opinion about me affect me to such an extent.
cliched yes, but i am what i am. and all the people who're around me, my family, my friends etc love me the way i am and dont want me to be a particular way or change and like the fact that im "swetha". yes im bossy, naggy, upfront, blunt, loyal, smart and funny "swetha". neither are my friends jugdmental of me, and the others who are, are precisely why, not my freinds. i have enough faith in me, my creative abilities to not let anybody else's granted yet false opinion affect me n thats true. this is not just some pep talk. some things just need to happen. ive been single for 10 months now, my parents give me a ridiculous curfew, but i know its all happening for the good. i will have my own life someday and get to do and have all i want, i know it. and someday i'll find the person who'll fall for "swetha".. the person, not somebody i will or want to become.
sigh lets hope!
adios!
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