I will stop it once it gets uncomfortable, I swear.
Right now, i'm just going with the flow. Right now, I'm not bothered about what can be construed out of it.
I'm not scared of answering anyone as long as I can justify it to myself, and so far I have been able to. That is not bothering me. I know I'll stop when it does.
What bothers me is I'm not too sure if things go wrong I will be able to be mature about it. Maybe this is because I'm not entirely convinced. I will be able to justify considering I don't think it is wrong to be selfish about things, and play on convenience, just that I cannot deal with the voice inside me that I know will eventually point fingers when something goes wrong.
The challenge will be to deal with it by terming it as an act on convenience. Unfortunately I have an active conscience that is against it, only I'm quietening it.
I'm contradicting myself, I know.
It's simple. I did it because I wanted to, because it made me feel good, and as long I don't let it get to me, and it doesn't I've seen, It's all cool. Moral voice can keep quiet for a change, I'm not beating myself over it.
My only issue is with being called "-" by myself. Not by anyone else, but by myself. Which is why it is necessary for me to find someone. And I'm so tired of looking. And questioning my capabilites.
I'm not going to any more. I was selfish- so what? I'm okay with that. I can't find someone worth me and hence I'm making do with other stuff- so what? I'm okay with that. And even If I won't be someday, I'll deal with it.
I'll deal with all of it. I will not question myself.
5 comments:
it is alright to be making do with other stuff and believe me it won't be long when you'd want none of the makeshift convenience. so go with the flow. think thats what you said. randomness, or thats what i like to call it and that is if i know what you are implying, is alright as long as you are clear in the head. i know how that feels( so cliche') heheh! but then we do go through similar experiences. i don't regret it one bit and i am surprised myself cos i am always the first one to point a finger at myself cos my conscience is larger than life. for once i didn't feel guilty, for once i did exactly what i felt like doing and it has been a while and i am glad i did what i wanted to do at that moment and the world can go for a paragliding hike for all i care. given a chance i'd go back and do it the same way all over again.
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